1 AM and he can’t sleep. He complained all day about how tired he was and now he’s laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. His thoughts wander to her. Is she dating someone new? How has she been?
The last time he saw her was almost three months ago. He was just picking up some milk at the supermarket and there she was in the cereal isle. She didn’t see him though and even though she hadn’t put any make up on or done her hair before leaving her house, he thought she looked stunning. He always thought that. Even now.
Rolling over, he sees her side of the bed is empty, as it has been for the past five months. The break up was easy at first, he assumed they’d be back together in no time, but this time was different.
He misses seeing her smile. Nothing made him happier than knowing he made her smile.
"I bet she’s still up right now.." he whispers to himself.
Looking on twitter, he sees he’s right. Not even ten minutes ago she tweeted, “so much fun with my friends, parties at my place are a must!! xx”.
"I’ve gotta see her.." he mumbles while getting out of bed.
He gets dressed and starts to walk to her place. He’s missed her so much, how could he have been so stupid? He never wanted to take a break, he just wanted her.
He walks on the sidewalk and he remembers all the times in the beginning of their relationship when he’d walk her to her house in the wee hours of the night when she had to work the next day.
What will he say? He almost stops when he asks himself that. He’ll know when he sees her face to face though. She knows that he doesn’t usually go back on what he says, so maybe when she hears that he was wrong, it’ll mean something to her.
He can see her front door now. There’s a group of people leaving, and he smiles because that means there’s a better chance for them to be able to talk. And then he sees through her front window and there she is.
She’s dancing in just a big t shirt, her usual sleep attire, with a beer in her hands. Her hair is long and flowing, she’s smiling and it kind of hurts his heart. He misses her so much, he’d do anything to have her back and then he notices someone else.
It’s another guy, and he’s just watching her dance, and then she dances her way over to him and they kiss..
He turns his head to the side, not wanting to see anymore. He doesn’t want to look anymore but something makes him look again.
She was his, and now she’s someone else’s angel.
The front porch light turns off, and he’s standing in the dark. Stumbling backwards a bit, he feels paralyzed. He missed her, but he didn’t know he missed her this much.
The other guy is looking at her the way he used to. Why wouldn’t he? She’s beautiful.
Turning around, he starts to head back to his place, but he sneaks one last glance, and he sees the other guy dim the lights, and he knows where this is headed.
He shouldn’t care anymore though. He’s the one that wanted the break, he doesn’t care about her anymore and the only reason he’s feeling this way is because he’s lonely. At least that’s what he tells himself. What he really feels is pain, regret, and sadness.
He messed up. He lost the girl who loved him so much, and he loved her, but he didn’t know that until now.
He wants her back but she’s someone else’s angel.
Just a warning, there’s a death in this. The italicized parts are flashbacks.
It’s been a year. He’s been in prison for a year. That means it’s been almost two since his world changed. He still beats himself up over what happened. She said it wasn’t his fault, so why does he feel like it is? He thinks he could have stopped him, could have saved her. Punching his fist into the wall, he gives up. There’s nothing he can do. He wants so badly to wake up from this nightmare. He won’t though, it’s real. It’s all too real. Walking over to his bed which was more of a cot, he tried to clear his mind as he laid down. He’ll never clear his mind though. What happened will haunt him forever, and he won’t be able to escape it.
They had been dating for almost three years. They had talked about marriage and kids and their future together. He was going to propose the next week but he didn’t have a chance.
The sound of a gun shot rang out as he looked around, glad to be alive and not hurt, but he wasn’t in the clear yet. He saw the man run away but he figured the police would find him soon enough.
He thinks of the dinner he had planned for that night. They went to a fancy restaurant where the meals were too small and too expensive. That didn’t matter to them though. They laughed and made jokes and smiled the whole night. He told her how much she meant to her that night.
A hand grabbed at his arm, as she gasped for air.
"No, no, no. Don’t joke around, right now, not now."
That’s all he could say, he thought she was okay, this was just a joke. She wasn’t really hurt.
She sounded weak. Her voice was shaky and she was trying her best to stay standing but her knees were wobbling and he vision was hazy.
"NO, no.. This isn’t happening.. " he whispered as she sank into his arms.
Blood was staining her shirt. Kneeling down, the love of his life lays in his arms.
"Harry.. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to die..I’m not ready to go.." she mumbles as tears begin to fall slowly down her face.
"I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry I should have been in front of you, I shoud’ve-"
"No.. Harry.. You didn’t know.. It’s not your fault.. no.."
"It is, it is. You can’t leave me, please don’t. You’re going to be okay, this isn’t your time, you’re not leaving me.."
His voice is cracking and he’s trying his best not to break down. He wants to be strong for her. He doesn’t want her last memory of him to be him crying.
"Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault, it’s not.. You.. you didn’t know.."
Her voice is getting softer and her breathing is slower.
"No, no, no.. Please stay with me.."
"I.. I love you.. Harry.."
Her eyes seem empty. The brightness that would shine through them is gone. Her pulse is gone. Her chest stopped slowly rising up and down. She’s gone.
The sound of sirens are heard and a few people have started a sort of circle around them. He sobs and after a minute or two, he sees something. It shines in the moonlight. A gun. The gun that just changed everything for him.
"I love you so much, you’ll never leave my mind. I love you, I love you."
Quickly, he pulls out the engagement ring he had bought for her, he always carried it around just incase the time felt right. Opening the box, he picks up the ring and slides it onto her cold finger and kisses her forehead.
Gently, he crumbles up his jacket and makes a pillow for her and lays her head on it.
He grabs the gun and runs.
Now he sits behind prison bars, 25 to life, and she’s not in his arms. He couldn’t bring her back with a bullet to the heart of the man who turned his world apart.
The memory is engraved in his mind. It haunts him. It tortures him. He thinks he could have saved her, but it was too late.
He cries again, just like every night. Grasping his flimsy pillow, he cries out to her in the hopes that she’s listening.
"Stay with me, until I fall asleep. Stay with me. I miss you.. I need you back.. This is just a nightmare.. I’ll wake up and it will be tomorrow and we will be together and happy.. I can’t do this.. I need you.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.."
Drifting to sleep, he hears her voice.
"It’s not your fault, Harry. It’s not. Don’t blame yourself.. It hurts me to think you could have changed what happened, it’s not your fault. Please don’t do this to yourself. I love you so much, Harry."
Her face appears in his dreams and he can’t see anything but her saying “Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault.”
Mumbling, he says “Stay with me, until I fall asleep.. Stay with me..”
"Is that one?" (Y/N) asked, pointing towards the night sky.
"Yeah, that one is Orion’s Belt, the big and little dippers should be lose by, you just have to look for them."
Both of us had a fascination for the stars. The way they glistened against the dark sky reminded me of (Y/N). My life had been spinning out of control lately, my friends were leaving me, my smoking had been getting worse, I’d been kicked out, and my parents were divorcing; everyone in my life was leaving. No one seemed to want to have me around, except (Y/N). Even though many things in my life were progressively getting worse, (Y/N) was there to bring light in my life. As corny as it sounds, it’s true. She’s the best friend I could have. She never judges me, or thinks of leaving. Forever by my side, she’s my anchor of hope.
"What else is there to see tonight?"
"Well, we can see Mercury from here, we just have to find it."
"First one to find it wins!"
"You’re on! But you’re not gonna find it, (Y/N)! I was out here yesterday!"
"Hey! That’s not fair! I get ten seconds head start. Don’t you dare look at the sky before those ten seconds are up!"
I wouldn’t. She walked around the field, as if it would help her see more of the sky. Her hair was down and slowly blowing in the light wind. She always looked great, no matter what she wore, no matter how her hair and make up looked, she was always the same to me. She was, (Y/N), the girl I’d grown up with, the girl I’d known since forever, but right now, she looked beautiful. A faint smile was on her lips, and every now and then she’d look to me to see if I was looking at the sky. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s stunning. Why am I only just now noticing this? She’s been here this whole time, and nothing has changed. She doesn’t look different from any other time I’ve seen her. Her hair is still the same color, she still crinkles her nose when she doesn’t like something. She hasn’t stopped humming her favorite songs. The color of her eyes is still as it was.THe past few weeks I had been thinking the same thing I am now, she’s been on my mind everyday, every hour, why is everything so different?
"Okay Zayn. Where is it?"
Grabbing her hand, I felt it. I can feel the slight spark. Maybe it’s just static electricity and we shocked each other, but I know there is something different. I’m not seeing her as the girl I thought of as “just one of the guys”, but as someone I could spend my whole life with..
"R-Right there.." I whispered, as I pointed in the direction of Mercury.
Her laughter quieted down as she looked up at the distant planet.
"Pretty neat, huh? We are seeing something that is millions and billions of miles away.."
My voice was soft, I’m not even looking at the sky. Just at her. I want to take it all in, I don’t want to forget this moment. In this moment, I know that I’ve always loved (Y/N). Maybe not romantically, but She’s always been in my thoughts and I’ve loved her as a friend but right now, this is different. I think I’m in love with her.
"(Y/N), if i say something, will you promise not to laugh or push me away?"
"Why in the world would I do that. You’re my best friend, Zayn. You can tell me anything! Except you can’t tell me you like Taco Bell, that place stinks. Anything else though, feel free to share." (Y/N) smiled a breath taking smile, it was contagious.
"I think I’m.. I think I might be.."
"Oh hang on, someone is calling me! Just wait two seconds it’ll be quick!"
Her phone started ringing and before I could choke out the words she already answered.
"Yeah, okay. Yes, Mom I know! Okay.. Bye."
Hanging up and putting her phone in her pocket, I sighed.
"Mom says I have to be home ten minutes ago. I’m sorry, can you drive me?"
"Yeah, lemme just grab our stuff."
We packed up our usual star gazing bag, and walked back to my car. Maybe, I’ll tell her later. I will not just sit around and watch her go about her life without knowing what I feel.
The car ride to her house was quiet, she plugged in her phone and played some music. Usually the trip to her house from the field took about half an hour, I could tell her now or when we got closer to her house.
"I’m sorry, Zayn, I just remembered, what did you wanna say?"
"Don’t worry about it.. I’ll tell you in a bit. It’s not that long."
"Alright.. Wake me up when we’re closer, I’m sleepy.." she said with a yawn, dragging out her words.
What would I tell her? How would I tell her? What if she doesn’t feel the same and I just look like a fool? No, I can’t spend my life wondering, ‘what if’.
Driving home was hard, she looked so nice just sleeping. She’d mumble a few words every now and then, and she looked so peaceful. I’ve got to tell her now. We’re almost to her house, I can’t wait any longer.
"(Y/N), wake up. I gotta talk to you. It’s kinda important. Please wake up.."
"Zayn, when someone is sleeping you let them sleep."
Her voice was soft, and I could tell she was tired. And she still woke up, for me.
"Now, what is it you must get off your chest! This better be important! I absolutely need my beauty sleep," she said with a chuckle, as she opened her eyes.
"It’s kind of serious, actually.. I’m scared of how you’ll respond.."
"Oh, alright. I promise I will hear you, not just listen but really hear you. What is it? Are you okay?"
"I’m.. I’m fine. I swear. Nothing is wrong with me. I have ten fingers, ten toes, two hands, same goes for feet, it’s just.. something is different lately. Really different. Something that I’ve known for my whole life, is.. different."
"Is this about you family? The boys? Don’t hold back, I’m here."
"No, it’s not them.. It’s.. It’s you. And don’t think this is bad because it’s not, I think you’re wonderful. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known, and you have the greatest sense of humor and you always make me laugh and you can always cheer me up and make me smile, and you can also make me hold my breath because you look amazing. You walk into a room and I know it’s cliche, but you really do light it up. Everyone just gets in a better mood because you’re there, you make my life better, you make the world a better place and I want to be a beter person for you and I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful without even trying. I can’t imagine my life without you there, you’re in all my big moments, you were there when I learned to walk and started chasing me when you could walk too, you were there when I said my first words and always said hi to me because that’s all you could say, you were there the first day of school in kindergarten and the last day of school, senior year. I always want you in my life, forever. You’re the best person I know and I think that’s why I’m in love with you. I don’t know why I just now realized it, but I am. I’m in love with you. I love the way you snort sometimes when you laugh really hard. I love the way you walk, it’s almost like you’re floating on air. I love the way you spend full days just reading and soaking up characters in books. I love the way you care so much about people you’ve known for years or you’ve just met. I love how you don’t judge anyone. I love you. I love you. I’ve never wanted to tell someone I love them so much, but I want you to know I love you. I dont just want to tell you I want to show you."
By now we’d pulled up to her house. She was giving me her undivided attention.
"I want to do everything with you, I want to star gaze like we always do, I want to watch you sleep because you look beautiful even then and you talk in your sleep, I want to hold your hand so everyone knows you are mine, I want you to be mine, I want to be with you. I want you to want me too, and I want you to know that I love you, I want you to love me even a fraction of the way I love you.."
"Zayn.. you’re shaking.. Please, just breathe for a minute.."
"No, I might die if I don’t know what you think."
"Well, I think you might die if you don’t breathe."
"How do you do that?"
"You just make me so calm and like time is slowing down."
"I.. I don’t know."
(Y/N) looked nervous. She was never nervous.
"Zayn, I don’t know what to say.. I just.. I think I need to process. I don’t know how I feel. I might feel the way you do but I don’t know.. I need to think. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that’s fine, I just.. I had to tell you or I’d explode.. I’m sorry if this is too much to handle, I just.. had to."
"It’s okay, thank you by the way. For loving me. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."
She opened her door and stood up. Not knowing is going to kill me.
"Bye, Zayn. I’ll call you soon, I promise."
"Alright, bye (Y/N), tell you’re mom I say hi. I.. I love you."
She smiled and shut the door, walked up to her front door and into her house. God, not knowing will kill me.
I’ve called her twice today. She hasn’t answered either time. MAybe she’s just busy. That’s all. Busy. She would just ignore me. We’re best friends. She wouldn’t..
I haven’t felt different about her. I still love her. I know I do. Just from hearing her voicemail message, I felt better. Maybe she’ll feel the same and she just wants to see me in person. I thought by now she would’ve known if she feels the same.
If she doesn’t, I might die. She’s all I know. My parents don’t care anymore, my friends have left me. The only thing I have is her and cigarettes.
I’d choose her over smoking any day.
*Two weeks later*
Called her twice today. Feelings haven’t changed. I thought by now, after not hearing from her or seeing her in a while I would’ve fallen out of love with her. My anchor of hope, it’s just.. gone. She’s just a memory. There is no way she feels the same.. Not after all this time.
Called her twice to day. She finally answered.
I’d almost forgotten what her voice sounded like.
"I don’t actually know why I’m still calling you everyday. I’m sorry for bothering you."
"No, I’m sorry.. I.. I should’ve called. I’m a horrible friend. I just.."
"I can’t.. I don’t.. You’re my best friend, and I love you.. and I still love you but you’ll never be the one for me.."
Her voice was shaky. I know this is hard for her, but it’s just as hard, if not harder for me. It’s not easy to hear the love of your life say they don’t love you.
"Oh. Okay. Well, it was, shit well it wasn’t nice to hear that, but it was nice to hear your voice even if the words weren’t pleasant. Shit, I’ll.. I’m just gonna go. I guess that’s it."
"No, Zayn, please don’t go, you’re still my best friend! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please don’t do this to me.."
She’s crying. I know she is. I can hear her sniffling between gasps for air.
"I’m such a fool. To think, me, the only one for you. I should’ve known.. I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll call when I’m okay."
"Zayn, please, please talk to me! I ju-"
I hung up before she could finish. Nothing she says could make me feel better, I know how she feels about me and as much as it kills me, I have to accept that.
*A year later*
My life has improved so much. I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend, today is our six month anniversary and everything has been great with her.
I’ve got to get her a present so I’m going to the store. I just can’t figure out what to get her though..
Maybe I shoul-
"Zayn? Is that you?"
"What are you doing here?"
I can’t breathe. I haven’t seen her since..
"Zayn? Are you okay? It’s me, (Y/N).."
"Like I could’ve forgotten.. Um, hi. How are you?"
"I’m okay.. How are you?"
"I’m.. I’m fine."
"You know, I called you.. Multiple times.. Why didn’t you answer, Zayn?"
"You know why. I gotta go."
"Stop it! Why do you do that, Zayn! Stop running away from me! Talk to me!"
"I can’t (Y/N). It’s been a year since what happened, and you know what? I’m still in love with you. I’ll always be in love with you, (Y/N)! I’m here to buy a present for my girlfriend, it’s our six month anniversary, I have to go."
"Please, just delete my number, I’ll delete yours too if you want, just I’m trying to move on."
"Zayn, I’m sorry.. I’ve not stopped thinking about you since then. I just want you back in my life, please can’t we just be friends again?"
That does sound tempting. I miss her. I love her.
"N-No.. I can’t. I can’t be just friends. Maybe when I’m okay again, but I don’t know.. I’ll call you when I’m okay."
"Bullshit. You said that last time we talked. Bullshit."
"Yeah, well I’m still not okay."
I left. I couldn’t stay there. She looked great. Beautiful, stunning, breath taking, gorgeous. I do miss her. A lot.
I broke up with my girlfriend. I can’t be in a relationship when the only girl I love is (Y/N).
Called her twice today.
"Since you’re calling me, does that mean you’re okay?"
"No. But you’re all I know.. You’re my anchor of hope..”
Rain is pouring down. Even though he’s soaking wet, he keeps walking. He doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow down or speed up, just keeps walking. The people running from cabs to inside look at him like he’s crazy. And maybe he is. Maybe he is crazy. It’s not his fault though. He blames her.
After a while, he finds himself at her door. It’s been a few hours since he started walking, maybe two and a half. Liam has called him a few times but he hasn’t answered. He wonders if she’s home. She has to be, where else would she be?
The hard wood door flies open just as his knuckle is about to collide with it. She gasps, surprised to find him at her door.
Their right before each other and can’t find the words to say.
"Why don’t you come in.." she whispers after a minute or so of silence other than the rain.
"I was just going to see you.." her voice coos as she takes off her coat, "I’ll get you a towel.. Maybe there’s some clothes of yours you could change into.."
He hasn’t said a word. Just standing in her doorway, his emotions tying up his tongue.
"Are you cold? Do you want a blanket or something?"
"I’m sorry." he whimpers.
"Niall.. I can’t… I don’t.. Why do we keep doing this?"
"You know it’s not something I can control.."
"I know, but I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay.. We both know it’s not.." she sighs, sitting down.
"Can we just work this out? Please.. I’m begging you.." his voice catches in his throat, barely audible now.
She always agrees to work things out. He always walks to her door. They always talk it out. They always end up here. It’s always the same thing, every time.
"What makes this time different, Niall? What’s going to change this time?"
He doesn’t know what to say, yet again.
"T-That’s.. that’s what I thought.. We always end up here, in my apartment not knowing what to do.. I don’t want this.."
He’s no longer picking his head up to meet her eyes when he speaks anymore.
"I.. I know you are.. But that doesn’t change anything.. I’m sick of this Niall.. I can’t do this anymore.."
That hurts him. He knows she’s not going to give in this time. This time, it’s for real.
"What can I do to change your mind? Please (Y/N).. Let me prove you wrong.."
"Don’t you get it?! You can’t change my mind! You can’t prove me wrong!" her voice is getting louder and louder.
"Everytime we fight you say the exact same thing! And you’re not fighting for me! You say you’ll prove me wrong but nothing changes! It’s still the same bull as before! I’ve been waiting for you to prove to me that you’re just as serious about this as I am but I guess you’re not! Did you ever love me? Why do you just push me away? Why are you so cruel to me?! Why do I keep letting you break my heart.."
Her voice falters at the last sentence as she stands up only to fall to the ground in a pile of emotions.
He leaves his spot and tries to help her back up but she only jerks her arms away from him.
"NO. You don’t have to help me! I can get up by myself."
"Please.. just give me one more chance.. I know I’ve been a crap boyfriend but I can change.. I will change..”
And this time, he means it. He admits to himself, he didn’t mean his apologies before, but this time he’s sincere. Who would want to lose someone like her? He knows how lucky he is to have her. She’s amazing.
She finds happiness in the worst things. She paints a colorful life in a dull world. She’s beauty in a society filled with ugly people. She makes him laugh when no one else can.
He can make her smile just by looking at her. He makes her once serious life, carefree. They just blend together so well, and he knows it.
"No you won’t! Don’t you get it?! I’ve asked you time and time again to prove to me that you’re not like all the other guys.. But you are.. And I was so convinced you were going to be the one.."
She’s full on crying now. Mascara running down her cheeks, and it pains him to see her like this, to know he caused this.
"I’m convinced you’re the one.. Please.. It’s been you all along.."
"No. I’m asking you this, why do you break my heart in the blink of an eye.."
"I don’t mean to.. it just.."
"It just what Niall? It just happens? Cheating doesn’t just happen. This is the last time I’m asking you this, the last time I’m asking you why..”
"I.. I don’t know.. "
This is the last time she’ll let him in her door. This is the last time they’ll fight. The last time their a couple. The last time he’ll hurt her.
"Just leave.." she cries, not bothering to show him to the door.
"Niall. I said leave."
Slowly, but surely, he makes his way outside. He doesn’t really leave, just slumps down, his back leaning against her door.
The rain is coming down harder now. His clothes get wet all over again, just as they were beginning to dry.
This is the last time she’ll call things off with him.
This is the first time he knows true heartbreak.
Am I better off dead or am I better off a quitter? Lou says I’ll find someone better. Liam only sighs while Zayn and Niall stay silent. Why did I think this was a good idea? (Y/N) is perfect. The way she smiles, how she kisses me, the way she truly cares about everyone. Well, I suppose she doesn’t care about me anymore. She made that pretty clear when I broke things off.
"I never want to see you again. Leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t text me, don’t call, don’t even glance my way if we see each other around town. I thought you were different, thought we were different, but I guess we’re just like everyone else. Fall in love and then fall in hate. I’m just done.."
She screamed at me. She never screamed at anyone, ever. I’d never seen her as mad as she was then.
"Harry, really this is for the best. You’re better off now than you ever were with her. Let’s go to the bar and get some drinks to get over it." Louis smiled, grabbing his coat.
"Yeah! That’s a great idea, maybe you’ll find some other girl!" Zayn chimes in, finally contributing to the conversation.
Smiling, I stand and grab my coat as well, trying not to look too down.
During the short walk there, Niall starts talking saying that he never really liked (Y/N) anyways which is a complete lie. He adored her. They were best friends, and I’m sure they still will be, just not around me..
"Annooother one pleasse!" My voice slurs to the bartender.
"Don’t you think that’s pushing it, Haz?" Liam whimpers, as he glances my way.
"Your buddy’s right, man. You’ve had enough. Go home." the man shouts and turns to Louis, "Get him outta here. I need the bar open for other customers."
"This was supposed to help him, not make it worse.." Zayn scoffs to Niall, thinking I can’t hear him.
Stumbling out the doorway, I begin shouting.
"Niiaalll, you had juuust as much as mee. And you’re fine, soo I-I’m finee. Now let’s goo to anotherr bar."
"No way, man. You definitely had more than me, you’re smashed. Let’s just go." he replies, as I fling my arm over Liam’s shoulders.
Dragging my feet, my voice screams out.
"(Y/N)!!!!! (Y/N)!!! Wheree areeee youuuu?!"
"Haz, be quiet! You’re going to wake up all of London if you keep that up!" Liam whines, trying to support my body.
"Liam is right, Harry. Just get over it already." Louis hisses, grabbing my other arm to lighten Liam’s load.
"Stooopp it Louu. I-I know you hated her.. D-Donnn’t pretend you liked her.. This issss probablyy great for youu.. All of youu aree probably glad this happenedd. Donnn’t follow meee. I’m go-gonna go talk to herr." I shout, clumsily jogging around the corner, leaving the four confused boys there.
When I’m convinced they’re long gone, I start thinking.
I know I messed up. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had. That’s what we do though. We fight, but one of us swallows our pride and apologizes and I suppose it’s my turn to take the blame. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had though, we’ve never said we hate each other before or that we’re broken up.. I’m still shouting out her name even though some people yell at me to shut up. If I just make it to her place, I can change her mind. This will all just be a big laugh in the morning, I can turn this all around. I know I can.
Tripping over the rails and fences, I start recognizing the streets and apartment buildings. I know if we see each other she’ll take me back. She’l have to. If we’re face to face, she’ll come to her senses, she will see how bad I’m hurting and take me back. Yeah I’m drunk, but she’s never cared about that before what would make this any different? (Y/N) will listen even though my words are slurred cause it’s all true.
When I finally find her place, I knock on the door and hope she answers.
Checking my pockets for my phone, I dial her number.
"Hello?" she answers after the fourth ring.
"What do you want Harry. I told you not to call me.." she sighs and I can hear her face turn to a frown.
"I-I justt waant too tallllk."
"Wellll, let me.. let me start with.. Umm.. Youu.. You know what sucks? Basicallyyyyy, when I get home.. there’s no one waiting for mee. The first day you werre gonee I callled out for you but you weren’t.. you weren’t there.. I’m sorry.. Sorry for everything.. I want to takeee it allll back.. I’mm sorrry.. I’m still in love." I confess though the phone, staring up at her window. "Areee you theree?"
I wait for her to answer, but all I heard was nothing. She said nothing. I wanted words but all I heard was nothing, I got nothing.
Am I better off dead, or am I better off a quitter?
I don’t usually have good dreams. They’re usually pointless and random. This one, however, was different.
(Y/N) is in it. Maybe it’s because of the fight we had or maybe because she just means a lot to me, whatever reason, I don’t want to wake up. This dream state I’m in is practically perfect, except for the fact that it’s not real.
"Zayn.." (Y/N) whispers in my head.
"Let’s go somewhere. Let’s just get up and go. We can just drive and never look back!" she exclaims.
She looks hazy and far away but still stunning. There’s some sort of light shining down on her and she looks angelic. Everything seems absolutely perfect..
"Babe, you know I would if I could but the album still needs work, but once it’s done I promise we’ll go somewhere far away."
"I want to go now though, Zayn.. Please?"
"No, (Y/N)..Soon. I promise!"
Holding her close, I lean down for a kiss but she backs her head away. It takes a few seconds but she finally gives in and our lips become locked. The dream kiss is soft and tender, not much different from real life but it feels less satisfying.
"Fine.. But I won’t wait around forever, Zayn. Who knows, I might just leave.."
"You wouldn’t.. Would you?"
"I dunno I guess we’ll find out.."
(Y/N) fades out in the dream and soon she’s completely vanished into thin air.
"(Y/N)?" I call out into the empty space, "Where’d you go?!"
"I’m tired of waiting, Zayn. It’s been four months and still we’ve done none of the things you said we would when the tour ended.." (Y/N)’s voice whispered in my ear.
Turning around, she was suddenly behind me and just as our eyes met she disappeared again.
"Come back!" I yell, turning all around and running in different directions.
"Why? To wait some more?" (Y/N)’s voice calls out but she is nowhere to be seen.
I can almost hear the disappointment in her voice and it kills me knowing I’m the one that caused this. My mind is racing as the dream transports me through different stages of our relationship.
"I don’t know how much more of this I can take, Zayn! I’m sick of it and I’m starting to think it’s not even worth it!" her voice screams to another me, showing our first fight.
Then I see the two of us when I first asked her to be mine.
"I know I maybe a little weird and I don’t have all the time in the world but I really think that you and me could be good for each other, (Y/N). Give me a chance and I’ll show you that this could be great.." I mumbled as I hold her hands in mine, dangling them slowly.
Once again, I’m transported to somewhere else but this time it’s not a memory. I can see (Y/N) and I lying in our bed but she’s getting up. Seeing her bedside clock, it’s 5:00 in the morning..
"(Y/N)? What are you doing?" I ask walking from the foot of the bed towards her.
The other me just stays asleep and she doesn’t respond.
"(Y/N)?!" I call out again, but still no response.
She pulls out her suitcase from under the bed and begins packing some things that weren’t already in the bag. Placing a note on her pillow, I quickly skim over it.
"Zayn, I’m tired of this.. I don’t want to be waiting around for nothing.. I can’t do this, I’m so sorry.. xoxo (Y/N)"
What? S-She’s leaving? Where is she going? This hasn’t happened.. Is this going to happen?
"(Y/N)! Wait! Baby please don’t run away from my bed. Start another day stay instead! You can’t just leave! I’m going to find you, please don’t go..” I scream as I follow her out the door.
It’s futile though. She can’t hear me, nor can she see me.
Walking back into the bedroom, I see myself still asleep.
"This is just a dream, that’s all it is." I whisper to myself, praying she didn’t really leave.
The sun starts to shine through the window on my side of the bed as it hits my face. The light is golden, just like before when I was talking to her. I’m going to wake up any second, I can feel myself fading away. The room and myself becomes blurry and the last thing I see is (Y/N)’s face..
Jolting awake, I sit up and don’t find (Y/N) next to me.
"(Y/N)??" I shout, praying she replies.
"(Y/N)?! Where are you?"
There’s no note on the pillow.. That’s good right? She would have left a note if she left.. Wouldn’t she?
Wasting no time, I get up out of bed and walk around out apartment but she’s no where to be found.
"Zayn? What are you doing? You look like a mad man!" (Y/N) smirks, leaning against the doorway of the kitchen.
"Oh thank goodness.." I murmur to myself as I walk over to her.
"What’s wrong? You look worried.."
"I’m sorry. I’m sorry we haven’t done any of the things I promised we would. We will, I swear. Starting tomorrow we will go on a road trip and all the other things you want to do, I just have to let everyone know and then we are out of here to anywhere you want to go." I whisper, pulling her in for a tight hug.
"Zayn! Calm down, it’s okay! I understand we don’t have to go tomorrow! We can wait a little longer.. It’s fine!"
"No, it’s not! Baby please don’t go.. Baby please don’t runaway.."
Holding me tighter, she lifts herself up on her tiptoes and whispers in my ear.
"I wouldn’t dare to runaway, Zayn.."
Neither of us thought that it would happen so quickly. The doctors said it was easily curable and that they found it just in time. I guess they didn’t run enough tests or treat it quick enough.
Harry keeps telling me not to worry and that he’ll be alright. For a few minutes, I believe him because he’s learned so well how to put on a happy face and pretend he’s not in pain. It only makes it worse in the end. I know he’s not okay, he’s never going to be okay.
The cancer started in his pancreas. His doctor said he’d be okay after a small surgery and some chemo but it wasn’t enough. It kept spreading and spreading and soon it was too much to treat. Their exact words were, 'It's sparked other secondary cancers and it's impossible to treat him.. He's only got maybe half a year…'
Harry’s tried to keep a positive outlook on life but it’s tough. The boys don’t want to stay together without him, but that just breaks his heart. He knows how much the fans will be crushed but he doesn’t realize that his friends and family will be crushed even more.
I’m trying to come to terms with it as well. We’ve only been married for nearly three years, we haven’t even had a chance to have children. He talked me into trying once a couple days ago but I don’t think I’d be able to handle it, yet at the same time I know I won’t want to have a child with anyone other than him..
"Babe?" He called out, pulling me from my thoughts and into reality.
"Yeah?" I replied as I got up from my chair and walked towards him.
"W-What are you going to say when I’m.. When I’m.."
"Don’t say it.." I whisper, cutting him off.
"Well, what are you going to say?" he continued.
"Is there something specific you want me to tell people?"
"I don’t know.. Just please don’t take it too hard. Tell people how much you loved me.. and don’t worry about me.. We’ll meet again when your time comes.." he whispered as he kissed my hand gently. "And when my parents come here when it happens.. Can you just tell them that same thing? Tell them I’ll be alright and that I love them.. And this little baby that we may have created, tell him or her that I love it so much. Don’t let them forget that.. Don’t you forget that either, (Y/N). Don’t you forget about me.. Please promise you won’t forget about me when I’m gone..”
He started crying at the end of it. He’s not cried once since we found out the cancer became terminal..
"Harry, I could never forget you.. I’m not making any promises of taking it too hard because I know that I won’t be okay, I may make it through but I won’t ever be the same afterwards.. I love your parents, I’ll help them get through it as well, and if I do have a baby Styles in me I will tell them everyday about you.. but I can promise I will never be able to forget about you.."
"(Y/N)?" he murmured after a few minutes of silent cries.
"I love you.."
"I love you too, Harry.."
A few weeks have passed since then and Harry’s only gotten weaker and weaker. It hurts to see him so frail and breakable.. He’s so different from the Harry I met four years ago. Much skinnier, and his hair isn’t as curly and he rarely smiles except for when I hold his hand or kiss him.
I haven’t gotten my period yet and I finally had time to go to the store and get a pregnancy test. More and more I hope that I’ll be carrying his child because it’ll be the only thing I’ll have left of him..
When I get back to our house, I find Harry in bed just looking through the TV channels since he can barely walk around by himself anymore. Kissing him on the cheek, his eyes light up and I walk towards the bathroom, hiding the test from him so I can possibly surprise him.
Ripping the box open, I take the plastic stick out and do what the directions say and just wait. I hear a crash and leave the bathroom to check on Harry. At first, I think he just dropped the remote, but his eyes are closed and his body is eerily still. His hand just lays off the bed, slightly pointing to the remote on the fllor and I know what’s happened.
He’s gone. That’s it. He’s lived his life, and now it’s over.. Running over to him, I grab his phone from the bedside table and dial the phone for an ambulance, the boys, and then Anne. Telling Anne was hardest.
How do you tell a mother her only son just died? Thankfully, she knew before I had to say it and said she was on her way over. My vision got hazy as I held myself to his body. I knew this would happen eventually, but I didn’t think it’d be so soon.
The paramedics came soon followed by the boys and then Anne. It wasn’t until Anne reminded me that he wanted a baby before he died that I remembered the test. Breaking down for the third time in a few hours, she held me while I cried before looking at the results.
"I loved your song you know.. I loved his sturdy arms and how he’d hold me when I cried.. I’ve tried to imagine what life would be like without him, but I can’t.. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you.. He loves you so much.. and he doesn’t want you to worry about him.. He said he’d be okay and that we’ll see him again someday.." I whimpered, pulling away from her.
"I know, (Y/N).. I can tell he loved you too.. He always called me at least once a week and just talked about how amazing you are.. I know that he will be alright with however the test comes out.. Now go look, we have some other things to take care of.."
Standing up, I slowly walked back to the bathroom. My trembling hands reached for the white stick and looked to the box for what the results meant.
Two lines means.. Pregnant.
I smiled to myself and ran my hand across my stomach, forgetting that I’d be raising this child alone for a moment. Reality hit as Anne walked through the door and I began sobbing again.
She comforted me and eventually, I remembered that Louis and the others would definitely want to help out with the baby as well as Anne.
With each coming night, I’m only going to love Harry and this baby more and more. There’s no way I’m breaking my promise.
"Hey, Niall! I see you making the goo goo eyes at (Y/N)! Are you gonna finally shag her?" a drunken Harry slurred as he stumbled over his own feet.
"No, I don’t think so, I’d rather wait and make it special." I mumbled, slowly taking my eyes off of her.
"Why not? She’s fit! You guys have been dating for almost a half a year now, why wait any longer?" he smirked, clearly overlooking the fact that I’ve always wanted to wait until being married.
"I know she’s fit, she’s stunning, drop dead gorgeous, but there’s more to a relationship than the physical stuff. The way I see it, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, why rush things?"
Harry, being highly intoxicated, only giggled. Normally, I’d be right there with him just as smashed, if not more, but tonight was different. Something about this night felt.. right.
I asked the boys and a few other people to come over just to hang out for a bit, but I guess that meant to get wasted to everyone else. A few drinks is all I’ve had, (Y/N) wasn’t really keen on my drinking habits so to make her happy I promised I’d tone it down a bit.
After the party simmered down a bit, people started leaving and (Y/N) and I began to clean up after the mess they left. Liam was the only one to help even though he didn’t make any of the mess.
"See ya, man" I called out as Liam and Danielle walked out of the apartment after the cleaning was done with.
"That was fun!" (Y/N) smirked, pulling me in for a hug.
"Yeah, but I could barely keep my eyes off you all night.."
"Well, I suppose I’m just that attractive." (Y/N) joked and made a weird face.
"I suppose so!" I agreed, doubling over in laughter.
Picking her up bridal style, she giggled and I walked us over to the couch and setting her down gently. As she curled up to me, her head rested on my shoulder as my arm held her tight. I could feel my heartbeat accelerating at the small thought that lingered in the back of my mind.
"…why wait any longer?"
Sure Harry was smashed and I want to wait until marriage, but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like. Would it be all it’s cracked up to be? Would it be worth it? Would everything with (Y/N) change? What would happen if we broke up? That would possibly kill me..
"Niall, what’s wrong? You’ve got your face all scrunched up.."
"Huh? Oh, nothing.. Just thinking about something Harry said earlier.." I mumbled, still lost in thought.
"What’d he say?"
"Nothing.. It doesn’t matter."
"Well, it seems like it does, you’ve been starring off at nothing for the past five minutes while I just sit here.."
"Really, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it."
"Please just tell me, if it’s nothing then it shouldn’t be such a problem telling me!" she argued, adjusting her position and scooting away.
"He was just wondering when you and I were going to.. you know.." my voice murmured, hoping she would understand so I don’t how to actually say it.
"You know.. what?"
My eyes locked with hers as I tried to convey it that way, without words.
"Oh.. OH! Oh.." she gasped, cuddling back onto me, "We don’t need to rush this.. I know you want to wait until you’re married, Niall and so do I. There’s nothing wrong with that.""
"Have I ever told you how much I love you, (Y/N)? Because it’s a lot."
Leaning my head down, I quickly pecked her on the cheek, glad that she felt the same as me.
"Hmmm.. I think I recall you telling me that." Her lips turned upward into a smile as she spoke.
"Honestly though, I don’t wanna mess this up and I don’t wanna push to far, but I think you just might be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life.. My princess."
"Yes, really. I know that if we give this a little time, it’ll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find. None of my past relationships have felt so real, so.. so.. right." I whispered in her ear, as she blushed more than she already was.
We sat around for another hour or so just talking about how great our lives are going to be together and the kind of house we’d have, and just our future plans. Our hands were intertwined, as I played with her fingers.
"Oh shit!" (Y/N) shrieked when she glanced at the clock.
"I have to go, it’s almost 3 am! I have work tomorrow, I gotta get to bed!" (Y/N) shouted again, getting up and grabbing her purse from the coffee table.
"Nooo.." I groaned, "I don’t wanna say goodnight."
"I know.. Neither do I but it’s time for me to leave, but you’ll be in my dreams. Sound good?" she smiled, cupping my face to give me a kiss.
"I’ll see you there.."
Bri and I have been friends for years. Best friends even, Eleanor didn’t really like her the whole time we dated because she thought I liked Bri as more than just a best friend. When she ended things because I wouldn’t stop talking to her, I admit, I was a little upset. It’s been a week or so though, I’m glad. She’s right. Bri and I aren’t little kids anymore. We aren’t the same kids that would play hide and seek at the park or going to the school formals because neither of us found a date. We’re grown up know. Things are different, but still the same in ways.
When she first told me that her boyfriend cheated on her, I wanted to punch him. And I did. Probably wasn’t good for management to see in the papers, but it was worth it. She doesn’t deserve that, no one does.
I wonder if she knows that during concerts, I mentally dedicated the songs we sing to her.
Walking down a few blocks to her place, I called her to let her know I was on my way over to stop by for a bit. That was normal for us, just hanging out and talking. We can talk for hours and hours and not get bored, after years and years of friendship we still learn more and more about each other.
"Hey, Lou! What’s up!" She smiled as she opened the door and let me inside.
"I see you really did yourself up for us hanging out!" I smirked, she didn’t have any make up on and was in sweat pants.
"Oh shut up." she joked while pulling me in for a hug.
Her head barely reached my chest. She’s not the tallest girl in the world, that’s for sure, but she’s definitely my favorite girl in the world. I haven’t told her about Eleanor and me splitting up but I’m sure she already knew, it’s been all over the magazines.
"Oh, have you heard the news? I’m a single guy now." I sighed, plopping down on her lumpy couch.
"I have! What happened?" she asked, handing me a cup of tea.
"Well, she said the words ‘I’m done, I want to break up.’ and I didn’t stop her from leaving."
"Why? I thought you loved her?"
"Well, I did.. I’m just so tired of the same old things and the same old games. I want something new in my life."
That’s a lie. I am tired of the same things and games, but I don’t want something new in my life, I want Bri.
"Oh.. Well, at least now you can find someone who makes everything seem right instead of forced. And I’m not going to lie, I don’t think she liked me! She was always giving me nasty looks.." she admitted.
"Honestly? She didn’t.. That’s another reason I didn’t stop her from leaving. Nothing would have worked out in the end if she didn’t like my best friend."
"Why didn’t she like me?! I was nothing but nice to the girl!"
"I dunno, she never told me.."
"Oh come on Lou, I know she told you! Spill!!" Bri exclaimed while putting her light brown hair into a messy bun on top of her head.
"Well.. She kept thinking that you an-"
"Hold that thought, Sam is calling me.." she sighed and answered the call.
Sam is the douche who cheated on her. I can’t believe she’s talking to him. Hopefully she remembers why he’s her exboyfriend.
"Sorry.. He wanted to apologize.." Bri said, returning to the couch, "So what’d El say?"
"Uh.. She said that.. She thought we.. " I murmured, trying to figure out how to word it.
"Spill it Lou!!"
"She thought there was something more between you.. and.. me."
"W-What? B-But we’re just friends.." she mumbled, unknowingly crushing my heart.
"W-we are just friends.. Right?"
"Uh.. yeah.. I guess.."
"What do you mean you guess?
"Well what am I supposed to say?" I barked and stood up from the couch.
Bri was shocked. I never raised my voice at her..
"Well.. What do you want to say?" she whimpered after a minute of pure silence and disapproving looks.
"I-I don’t know.. I just know that with you everything feels right, and not forced like it did with her. I want to know what it feels like running my fingers through your hair, and to see you wake up next to me, and know everything that I don’t already know about you.."
"I feel the same way.. I never said anything because you always said how happy you were with Eleanor.." she whispered, standing in front of me.
"I must be dreaming.. If I am, don’t wake me up.."
"You’re not, I promise you that.." her voice whispered again as she stood on her tip toes to just barely kiss me on the lips.
Leaning down to meet hers, the room began to spin. Her lips were soft and gentle, unlike Eleanor’s who was always rushed and sloppy. It was perfect.
"You got me good, girl. I hope you know, I need you so bad.."
"What do I have to do to find a girl that I like and likes me back?!" I mumbled, throwing my phone onto the couch across from me.
"What’s wrong? Cara not work out?" he asked, ready to give me any advice.
"I just.. I dunno. We don’t get on as well as I wish we would. She’s nice and all but she always talks about how One Direction is so big and how I’m so famous.. I don’t want that. I want someone to make me just feel like myself, the awkward kid from Holmes Chapel. Know what I mean?" I asked, suddenly feeling silly.
"Yeah I understand. It’s the way Danielle makes me feel. You want someone who will pick you up when you’re feeling down, right?"
"Exactly! If anything, Cara only makes me feel worse.."
"Well hey, you’re going to Eleanor’s party next week right?"
"Yeah, we all are aren’t we?"
"Yes, but maybe you’ll meet someone there. Sounds plausible to me!" Liam smiled, probably proud of himself for using the word plausible in a normal conversation.
Liam was right. At least he was so far. The party started off kind of boring as I saw the same usual faces, but as a girl walked in through the door, she was the only one I saw. Her brown hair was wild and curly, like mine, but her face was spotted with freckles that she didn’t worry about covering like most girls I know.
"Who you staring at mate?" Lou asked as he saw my eyes looking towards her.
"Lou, who is that?" I asked, subtly pointing in her direction.
"Who is who?"
"That girl over there, the beautiful one with curly hair and freckles." I mumbled looking away from her so I didn’t look creepy.
"Well, how am I supposed to know I’m asking you who it is." I smirked, taking a sip of the drink in my hand.
"I’ll go bring her over here!" he laughed, getting even for my smart alec response.
"No- Lou!" I screeched, mentally preparing myself for embarrassment.
I could see him talking to her from across the room. She smiled and giggled a little, and it was a great sight. She seems so happy.
"This is Harry! Harry, this is Macy!" he introduced us and then walked away without another word.
"Hi, Harry! It’s nice to meet you!" she smiled, showing no signs of nervousness like most girls did. It’s a nice breath of fresh air.
"You too.. So how do you know Eleanor?"
How does she know Eleanor? Stupid question Harry, stupid. I said to myself but not out loud.
"We go to uni together, we have a couple classes." Macy smiled again, looking over my awkwardness, "How do you know her?"
"One of her best friends and I worked together back in Holmes Chapel and we just kinda met and now she’s dating my best friend." I replied, searching for the words.
"Oh you’re from Holmes? Where do you live now?"
"London, me and most of the boys live there so it’s easier to get together for recording and meetings with management." I said, taking another sip from my drink.
"The boys? What’s the management for?" she asked.
Did she not know about One Direction? That’s not possible is it? Surely Eleanor has said something.. Right?
"I’m only kidding, Harry. I know about One Direction," she laughed, "You looked like you’d seen a ghost!"
"Oh! Well, I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t know about One Direction.. That’s all people ever seem to know about me." I sighed, looking down at my feet.
"Well, Harry, I’d love to know more about you!" Macy smiled again, she’s so bubbly, I love it.
We talked all night until we finally parted ways. Stupidly, I forgot to ask her for her number but figured I could get it from Eleanor later.
I just can’t stop thinking about her.. I gotta find that girl.
Eleanor said she didn’t have her number but that she’d get it from someone else. I don’t want to wait though. Something about her just makes me want to run away with her and make her mine..
Finally, I was able to get a hold of her and I asked her to go get some coffee with me and she agreed. The date went incredibly well and I felt like myself the whole time, not the player that the tabloids make me out as. I was just me.
It ended all too soon as we began saying our goodbyes outside her apartment building.
"Well, I guess I’ll see you around.." she grinned, wiping her curly hair away from her eyes.
"I guess so.."
She turned to go inside but I pulled her back by the hand.
"What are you doing?" she giggled, turning around.
"This is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m falling for you. I know we’ve only hung out twice but I really like you. With every single dollar, I’ll be sure to buy you flowers, what are you’re favorite kind?"
"Tulips.." she blushed, letting me continue.
"I’ll buy you all the tulips in the world, and I’ll trade in all my years to spend a single hour with you, come one and spend it with me. You’re so different from the other girls I’ve met and you said earlier you complain a bit, well Macy, you can complain to me all you want. I won’t mind, I just really like being around you. What do you say?" I blurt out, talking fast for the first time in my life.
"Hm…" she hummed, practically killing me with anticipation.
"I don’t think you’d have to trade in years of your life to spend an hour with me, I’d like to spend it with you too." She smiled, yet again and my heart was beating faster than ever.
I breathed out a sigh of relieve, “Oh thank goodness.. I would’ve been gutted if you said no..”
Pulling her in for a hug, I could feel myself falling crazy, madly, and deeply in love with her.