I love standing on our balcony. We live on the 17th floor of our apartment building so it’s like I’m up in the clouds. It’s a great place for thinking and it just calms my nerves.
“Liam, quit fooling around” (Y/N) called from inside.
“I love the view from up here, warm setting sun and wind in my ear. Come on, we can watch the world from above!” I reply, not yet leaving.
I should probably go inside.. I only have one more day left before I have to leave for the tour. I don’t want to leave her.. I’ll miss seeing her wake up next to me, or hearing her laugh at my bad jokes. My heartbeat increases as I walk back inside, joining her in the kitchen.
“Hey, babe!” I smile, intertwining our fingers as I sit down next to her.
“You’re leaving tomorrow and I’m just gonna miss you..”
“Hey, don’t you worry about that. I’ll be back before you know it!”
“But, Lia-” she begins.
“No buts! We may only have tonight, but until the morning sun, you’re mine.” I smirk, pulling her up off the chair.
“What are you doing?” She smiles while I open the balcony door.
Turning on the small lights we have, the area is lit up and sparkling. I move around the small table and chairs to the side, giving us enough space.
“We’re gonna dance!”
“Dance? But I don’t hear any music!” she smirked, not taking a step outside.
“Fine.. Play the music low..” I agree, as she runs back to the stereo, playing our song.
“Would you do me the honor of a dance, my lady?” I joke, making my voice sound nasally and bowing down.
“Why of course I will!” she mocks, in an equally hilarious voice.
At first, we jump around like the crazy dorks we are, laughing and spinning the whole time. As the song stops, we sigh and come down from our high. Not long after, another song begins but it’s slow and soft.
We continue this for an hour or so and soon the moon is shining down, creating a little spotlight just for the two of us. Another slow song plays and instead of jumping around and dancing like fools, we dance in slow motion. I hear her sniffle and tilt her head up so I can see her face.
“(Y/N).. Don’t cry.. “
“I’m sorry.. I just can’t help it.. ” she whispers, not letting her emotions get the best of her.
“I’ll only be gone for two months, and then I get a two week break before going to the states..”
“Two months is still two months without you though..”
“I’m sorry.. I promise, in a day your tears will subside, all your tears will dry. And long after I’ve gone, you’ll still be humming along to our song and I’ll keep you in my mind. You’ll never leave my thoughts, alright?”
“O-Okay..” she whispers, nuzzling her head back into place on my chest.
Quietly, I began humming along to the tune in the background and holding (Y/N) closer than ever. Our heartbeats felt like one as I whispered into her ear.
“We may only have tonight, but until the morning sun you’re all mine.”
“And you’re all mine?”
“Play the music low, and we’ll sway to the rhythm of love.”
[Author’s note: first a quick thanks to the lovely owner of this blog who allowed me to submit, you should follow her! Secondly, I recommend you listen to the song (found here) so your able to catch the resemblences I laced throughout the story. Enjoy!]
He’s here somewhere, you say to yourself. You stand on top of the hill, looking over the crowd that’s gathered for the concert. Behind you, the carnival continues at full blast behind the line of trees that separate you from the midway. To either side of you are two large, tall trees with people littered up inside on the branches to catch a better glimpse of the concert.
Where did he go? Where did the lovely boy who had swept you off your feet just hours earlier disappear to? That morning your friends had abandoned you, leaving you broken-hearted on the side of the road. As you sat on the curb, staring down at your shoes as people buzzed around the midway, another pair of shoes appeared in front of you. Looking up, you saw a boy your age, his brown hair swept up into a quiff.
“Now, what’s a pretty girl like you doing out here all alone?” he had genuinely asked. He held out his hand and pulled you up.
“My friends ditched me,” you said, with a pout. You had almost cried when you turned around after buying a small spool of tickets for the rides to see that your friends had melted into the large crowd and disappeared. Looking down, you realized you still had the spool in your hands. You hold it up for the boy to see. “They left me with all of these.”
“Well, then, why don’t we make use of them?”
“What, did your friends ditch you too?”
“Yeah—well, sort of… It’s a long story, right? Too long to tell. In fact, I’d have to go back years just to tell you how we met, which would explain why I’m here… Long story, I’ll leave it at that,” the boy said with a laugh, smiling. You realized for the first time since you had met him, the boy had a foreign accent. British, maybe?
You contemplated the deal in front of you. He seemed nice, in fact, something told you he was nice. His eyes were like a caramel… no, a hazel. No, a light chocolate. Well, whatever they were, they were gorgeous. His smile was nice to. Everything about him seems, nice, you think. In fact, this boy actually seem familiar to you. Where? When? Who?
Sighing, you give in. Your friends had ditched you, you might as well make the most of it. “Sure,” you said. “I’m [Y/N].”
The boy smiled. “I’m Liam.”
The next four hours were full of fun. You and the boy, Liam, scouted out the entire carnival to see what you wanted to do first. While walking, you talked about each other. You learned that Liam was one of the sweetest boys you had ever met. Sweet like honey… You stopped and had lunch together. You heard Liam’s phone buzz in his pocket. He had pulled it out, typed a quick few words, then slipped it back into his pocket.
Afterwards, you went and rode all the rides. The Ferris wheel —you played games trying to see who could spot something the farthest away while you waited at the top; the roller coaster that supposedly struck fear into its riders—you both walked off dizzy from the rush; and the merry-go-round—the two of you opted to sit on a bench instead of the crazily-represented animals that bobbed up and down. As the merry-go-round spun you and Liam around, you thought that the day couldn’t get any better. You were actually kind of glad your friends had ditched you.
When you two walked off the merry-go-round, Liam turned to you, saying, “Hey, [Y/N], would you like to go to a small concert with me? I know we’ve just met, but there won’t be many people there. It’s actually kind of hidden,” he added with a small giggle, as if he knew a secret.
You smiled, squinting in the sun. “Sure,” you agreed. “As long as we can get some more food. That merry-go-round wore me out!”
The boy threw his head back and laughed. “Of course, [Y/N],” he answered once he stopped laugh, though a smile remained on his face. “Of course.”
You were beginning to panic, a new side of you showing. You were no longer the shy girl Liam had found on the corner. Something inside you had lit up, like a matchstick on your heart. You felt brighter, different. You quite like this side of you and were wondering if Liam went away this feeling would disappear with him, too. Liam was like a breath of fresh air in your lungs, you felt regenerated. Alive again.
You walk over to the base of one of the trees and ask the people on the branches if they had seen anyone matching the description of Liam. “Nope.” The painful answer floats down from out of the leaves. The band set to perform starts playing in the background. Had they even introduced themselves? You rub your temples with your forefingers. The band sounds really good, and you’d probably enjoy it if Liam weren’t M.I.A. But you force yourself to get over it. Maybe the person who texted him earlier needs him.
You start to walk down the hill. You don’t hear anything, the music slips past your ears like a silent wind. Thinking. Ready or not, you think as walk through the crowd and picnickers. I will find you, Liam. You can’t help but think Liam’s famous. You could have sworn you’ve seen him from somewhere. But where? How? Who…
As you become closer to the tightly-packed crowd near the stage, you notice they’re all near you in age, and they’re all jumping up and down, singing along to whatever song was playing. Sighing a final time, you decide to give in and enjoy your surroundings. Liam can wait till after the concert. You stop walking and and look up.
Five boys similar in age grace the stage in front of you. One blonde, one with curly hair, one with brown hair and bangs, on with black hair styled up, and one Liam. Wait, one what? Your eyes grow big as you stumble backwards, grabbing onto the thing closest to you. The girl next you you turns and smiles, “I know? Aren’t One Direction just the best?” she shouts over the all-to-familiar tune.
You run your hands through your hair as you realize the boy you thought was famous, is, in fact, famous. And he’s now singing One Thing with is also famous friends. A smile grows over your face as you realize you’ve found him. You run up closer to the stage, getting as close as you can. Liam spots you in the crowd. A smile spreads across his face as he winks, waving at you with his mic-free hand at you. The girls surrounding you freak out, think the wave and wink was for them.
The feeling returns to you. The matchstick on your heart, the air full of lungs. You smile and start dancing and singing with the girls around you, finally having a good time. But you can’t help but think of what will happen after the concert. Sure, you’ll chastise Liam for not telling you, but you’ll give in to his honey sweetness. This was a friendship you really wanted to keep.
Ready or not, Liam, here I come.
The twitter names I use in this I just made up so if they are real or if their your twitter name sorry!!
‘Tweet from @mrspayne: Liam could do way better than (Y/N).
Tweet from @1D_lover_4life: (Y/N) just needs to stop seeing liam, she’s so irrelevant it’s not even funny.
Tweet from @xSimply1D: why would anyone want to date that whale!? I mean if Liam likes that kinda thing then great but really?’
“Babe, I’m so sorry.. I know they get kind of mean but none of that is true. They’re just jealous that we’ve found each other.” Liam whimpered.
He’s more upset than I am! I mean, yeah it’s rude and hurtful but I’m not going to let some teenager girls control me.
“Liam, honestly it’s fine. I understand.” I smile and lift his face up to kiss him.
“No, it’s not fine.. I’ll tweet something about it right now.. They need to stop, no one is going to say that to my girlfriend.” he argued, and grabbed his laptop.
“That’s sweet, but I don’t even care. Their words don’t mean a thing. All that matters to me is that I have you.”
“I care though, I don’t want them saying untrue things about you..” he whispers, pulling his puppy dog face.
“Ugh.. fine. Just make sure they know I don’t care what they say.” I say, giving in and curling up beside him.
“How can you be so not phased by this? I admire that.” Liam smiles, pecking me on the cheek as he types away.
“My mom always told me not to waste my life thinking about what people say about me. I don’t let what they say define me, I have wings and they’re made for flying.” I smile, remembering that day like it was yesterday.
‘Tweet from @Real_Liam_Payne:my girlfriend is the cooooolest she doesn’t let the dumb tweets from rude fans bother her i think i love her even moree nowww! :)’
He’s so sweet. Grabbing my phone, I open the twitter app and tweet somethign in reply to his.
‘Tweet from (Your twitter name): @Real_Liam_Payne They’re just like water off my wings! I won’t let no one bring me down!! (:’
Forever. I thought Liam and I would be together forever. We were supposed to be the couple that people look at and say ‘They’re still together?’ We were supposed to grow old together and watch out grandchildren play. That’s what forever is supposed to be isn’t it? We made vows and promises to each other. We were supposed to be together forever. Who knew forever would only last a few years.
I guess life got in the way though. I wish I could talk to him and know that he would listen. The boys are torn up about it too. They always said we’d be the first married couple of One Direction. None of us thought we’d be the first married couple to end though.
I don’t even know how I’m still going. There isn’t a day that has gone by without me in tears and wanting to just give up. It’s just so hard to wake up every morning and know he’s not going to come back. The nights that I dream about him are the worst. Tears cover my pillow in the mornings.
I still remember how he would hold me when I cried. He’s not here to do that anymore. I want to hate him for leaving me so soon, but I can’t. I will never hate him.
Everyday I call his phone. I know he won’t answer, but just hearing him talk when the call goes to voice mail makes it seem less real, even if it just hurts more when it’s over.
I’ve wanted to visit him since he went away. I know exactly where he is. Emma wants to go too. She always asks where her daddy is, but I don’t have the heart to tell her yet. She’s only two, she wouldn’t understand. I know I’ll have to visit him soon, but not yet.
Three weeks. That’s how long it’s been since he left. Niall talked me into seeing Liam. He said he would watch Emma while I go. I’m glad he knows that there are somethings I have to do alone.
I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do. Should I talk to him? What if it’s pointless? I can feel my heart breaking all over again as I park my car. Sitting in it for a while, I try to figure out what to say. I get out and walk straight towards him, careful not to walk into someone.
“Hey Liam..” I whisper.
I can feel my bottom lip quivering. I’ve just missed him so much, and seeing him here kills me.
“Why’d you have to leave me alone? I can’t do this on my own Liam..”
“You promised we would stay together and that we’d never be separated, but that’s exactly what happened. I can barely look at Emma anymore. She looks just like you.” I’m drowning in tears at this point, “Why’d you leave me?”
I can feel his arms wrap around me and my tears stop.
“I love you (Y/N), this doesn’t change any of that. Nothing will change the way I feel for you. Tell Emma what happened. She needs to know. Just remember I love both of you so much.” his voice coos in my ear.
My eyes can only see so far and wishing on stars and eyelashes never seems to work so I slowly close my eyes and just.. pray. I pray that everything turns out okay, I pray that Emma grows up alright, I pray that Liam is okay and lastly, I pray for me.
“Give me the strength to carry on, and that there is someone out there watching over me. Please tell me I’m not crazy for living by faith and not by what I can see. Let everything be alright..”
I’m crying harder than ever now, and I fall to my knees next to Liam. After I calm down a little, I finally manage to speak again.
“Liam? What does forever look like? I mean, ever since I was little, I had this perfect little painting in my head that I would meet a guy and just know he is the one, and that was you, and I thought it would be like in the fairy tales. I-it’s not though. Can you just give me a forever we both can share? We might not be together anymore, but I still love you with all of my heart and I know that you still do too.. I miss you. So much.. Every day is a struggle.. But just know, I’m going to make our own fairy tale.”
Wiping my eyes, I lean over and set the flowers I brought him around his gravestone. I feel refreshed.. He was here, I know it. He’s watching over me and Emma even from where he is and he still loves me. He didn’t want to go and I mentally kick myself for thinking he didn’t want to stay. It was his time and he couldn’t change what happened.
Standing up, I whisper to Liam.
“I love you, Liam.. forever.”
Lately all my friends seem to do is drag me to countless parties. Don’t get me wrong, at first it was fun and a great way to get my mind off of my ex, Jake, but it got old really fast. They all have boyfriends and it’s not fun to be the third or fifth wheel. I’m just kind of numb.. Jake hurt me and no matter how many new people I meet, they can’t keep my attention off of him.
It’s the same old routine, forcing laughter while the people drinking acted stupid, and plastering a smile on my face when someone asked if I was enjoying myself. No one really cares, they’re just asking because they know I’ve been put through hell.
Glancing around the room, I did a double take as my eyes locked with a guy who seemed around my age. He was tall and seemed so.. so.. pure. Call it corny and cliche, but everyone around me kind of faded away, and the only thing that mattered was him.
Oh no.. He’s walking towards me.. What am I supposed to say? I haven’t flirted with anyone since Jake and he left almost four months ago.. Oh God I had almost forgotten the feeling of butterflies in my stomach.
“Hey,” wow, even his voice is attractive, “Have we met before? You look familiar..” he whispered in my ear so I could hear him over the loud music.
“I-I don’t think so..” I mumbled.
I could feel my face redden..
“Oh, well I’m Liam. What’s your name?” he asked as he kissed my hand.
“I’m (Y/N).” my mouth turned upwards into a smile.
“Well it’s nice to meet you (Y/N). I hope I don’t sound strange but I think you’re absolutely beautiful.”
I’m surprised I haven’t turned into a puddle, this boy knows how to make a girl melt! For the first time in a while, I feel giddy over a guy. I’m wonder struck as we find a place to sit down and continue talking.
We talk for who knows how long, just creating banter and slowly learning more and more about each other. It’s like magic. One second we were complete strangers, and now I feel like I could tell him anything.
More and more people begin to head home and then there is only about five other people left at the party.
“Oh wow, how long have we been talking?” I ask as I look around the nearly empty room.
“Almost three hours..” Liam sighs, glancing at his watch with a smile upon his lips.
“Really? I guess I should probably head home..”
“Yeah.. me too I guess, there’s really no reason for me to stay if your not here.” he smirks as we both stand.
“Hey, what’s your phone number? Maybe we could hang out sometime..”
“Here, you put your number in my phone, and I’ll put mine in yours.” he suggests as we trade phones.
We walk to my car and swap info and as soon as he shuts the door and walks away, I can’t help but let out a little scream. I don’t think I stopped blushing all night. This night just went so well and I feel high just because of him. Everything was just so perfect and flawless. There was never a dull moment in the conversation and I felt like I really mattered to someone again.
When I arrive home, I want so badly to go to sleep in hopes of dreaming about Liam but one silly thought crossed my mind. What if he was just being friendly? Does he think the same think I do? Is he pacing his room wondering what I think of him? I guess all I know for now is that I was so enchanted by him. Before I met him everything in my life was dull, grey, and everything felt pointless, but everything has been transformed into some beautiful masterpiece, all because he made me feel special.
The next few days come and go with no word from him. Maybe I was being stupid. I got my hopes up high all for nothing. A guy like him probably has girls all over him, or a girlfriend. It was fun while whatever that was lasted, but it’s time to get back to reality..
Just as I’m about to delete his number, my phone vibrates in my hand.
*1 New Message*
‘Hey (Y/N)! This is Liam, but you probably knew that because I put my number in your phone.. Um.. anyways, do you wanna meet up soon? I really liked talking to you! xx”
Please don’t be in love with someone else.
“I don’t want you to leave (Y/N).” Liam whispers as I begin to get out the bed we shared.
“I have to.. My flight leaves in three hours and who knows how bad traffic is..” I whisper as I steal a kiss.
“Why do you have to go.. Can’t you just stay on tour with me and the boys?”
“I don’t have anymore vacation time from work, we both knew this would happen.. You know I would if I could, Liam..”
“I know.. I just.. I’m going to miss you.”
His face was breaking my heart. I could clearly see the tears he was fighting back. He wasn’t even looking at me, but rather down at his hands.
“Will you call me when you land?” he asked while our eyes met.
“It’ll be four when I land.. You’ll be in rehearsal..”
“I don’t care. It will be time for you to sleep by the time you get home, I want to be able to say goodnight..”
“How about I text you when I get home and whenever you can, call me. I’ll wait by the phone.”
I force a smile but a few teardrops fall from my eyes and my mask is torn off. How am I supposed to smile when I’m leaving him alone?
“(Y/N).. Please don’t cry.. The tour will be over soon and we’ll have all the time in the world together..” he says pulling me closer to wipe away the tears.
“No we won’t Liam.. You’ll only go on tour again and we’ll be in the same position we are now..”
“I want to say that’s not true but it is.. I promise next time though, it will be easier. We’ll get better at this.”
The two of us gather my things from around the hotel room and pack up my bags. We laugh and joke around and for a moment, I forget that I’m leaving. We head towards the lobby with my two bags and Liam, being the gentleman that he is, takes them both and I carry my purse. Quickly getting settled into the black van, the trip to the airport begins. I rest my head on his shoulder and his arm warps around me. This moment is perfect. I have all I need with me, Liam, and that’s it, but it’s ripped away all to quickly.
The van slows to a stop and we get out and walk towards the security check point. Letting my bags go, Liam pulls me in for a hug. I breathe him in, wanting to remember his scent until I see him next. We stay in the tender embrace for a good two minutes or so until we break apart, but not before he kisses my forehead.
“I love you.” he croaks, obviously trying to swallow the lump forming in not only his throat but mine as well.
“I love you too..” I sob, letting the lump in my throat win, causing waterfalls to flow out of my eyes.
“Take care of yourself okay? Don’t forget to call me when you get back..”
“I won’t..I think I’ll need some help to fall asleep without you next to me.” I admit sheepishly.
“I’ll be waiting to sing you to sleep.” he says while wiping his eyes and than mine.
“I-I have to go..” I cry, giving him one last hug.
“O-Okay.. I’ll see you in a month and a half alright? I’ll call you everyday though..”
“I know.. Goodbye for now, I love you Liam..” I whisper and grab my bags.
“Goodbye my love..” he sighs as I walk towards the security checkpoint.
In the line, I turn around to see him still there and waving as I mouth, “Goodbye brown eyes..”
***This is based on the music video more than the song.***
“Liam! Liam, wake up!” (Y/N) screamed, causing me to jolt awake.
“W-what’s wrong? Are you okay? How’s the baby?” I mumbled, thinking it she just wanted a random food like watermelon again.
“Something is wro- AH LIAM GET UP. WE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. NOW.” she shrieked.
Jumping out of bed, I ran to her side and helped her up. She couldn’t be going into delivery.. Could she? She still have three weeks to go..
“Oh god Liam, it hurts so bad..” she cried while we walked to the car.
“Shh..Shh.. I know.. it’s going to be fine..You and the baby will be okay. I promise.” I cooed.
Seeing (Y/N) cry was the one of the worst feelings in the world, and knowing I couldn’t take her pain away killed me. I rushed to the hospital, normally I would obey all traffic rules but this is to serious. Something isn’t right.
We got their in record time and they immediately put (Y/N) on a stretcher. her face contorted in pain as nurses rushed her to a room, with me walking right next to her holding her hand the whole way. She screamed and her grip on my hand tightened, it hurt but I know it was nothing compared to her pain.
“She’s going into labor. Get a doctor!” one of the nurses yelled.
“How far along is she?” another one asked.
“She’s only at.. s-she’s not supposed to..there’s still three weeks..” I whimpered.
This can’t be good.. The baby isn’t due for another three weeks. What if.. What if he doesn’t make it?
Someone handed me scrubs and I quickly put them on, (Y/N) and the baby needed me.
“(Y/N)? You’re going to be fine. Everything will be okay.” I cried, joining her side once again.
“Hi, I’m here to deliver your baby. I’m going to need you to push on the count of three. Okay?” a man said.
How was he so calm? did he not see (Y/N) crying and screaming in pain?!
“One. Two. Three.”
“Aghh!!!” she screamed while pushing and gripped my hand.
“You’re doing fine (Y/N), it’ll be over soon.” I cooed.
“Okay, one more time, the baby is almost here.”
She pushed once again and that’s when I heard it. The most amazing cry in the world. I have a son. I’m a dad. I have everything I’ve ever wanted.. A beautiful wife, and a newborn son.
“(Y/N), he’s so handsome.. I love yo-“
The best moment in my life transitioned into the worst. The beeps on the heart monitor stopped and was replaced with a steady tone. No. No. The circulation returned to my hand as (Y/N)’s became limp and lifeless, dead.
“N-no-no-no-n-no.. (Y/N)! NO. YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME. Please.” I begged her.
It was futile. She wasn’t coming back.. A nurse shoved me out of the room and I could hear the doctor say she lost to much blood. I’ll give her every drop of blood in my body if that’s what she needs. I’ll take her place, she doesn’t deserve to die, not now, not at all. I sat in the waiting area for what seemed like years. The doctor finally walked towards me with hopefully good news.
“Is she okay? How’s the baby? Where are they? What can I do? Wha-” he cut me off.
“Mr.Payne..I’m so sorry, but your wife lost too much blood during the delivery and she didn’t make it. We did all we could to save her.. I’m so sorry.”
I feel like I’ve been dropped out of a plane and just hit the ground. In reality, i just dropped to the floor and cried. S-she’s.. gone? How am I going to raise a baby by myself? This is my first child and I have to bring it up alone? Sure the boys will help me no doubt about that, but they were finishing up the last bit of the tour I left to be with (Y/N) and he needs a mother.. I need (Y/N).
I don’t know how long I stayed on the floor of the hospital, but a nurse soon came over with what I assumed was my child.
“Mr.Payne? Meet your son..” She handed me the baby and I really looked at him for the first time.
His eyes sparkled just like (Y/N)’s..He had her nose too. The little amount of hair on his head was the same color that hers was but it felt like mine. He smiled up at me and for a second, I didn’t feel any pain. My eyes watered all over again and I glanced at the nurse, not knowing who else to share this moment with.
“We need a name for the birth certificate..” the nurse said, pulling me back to reality.
“J-James..” I whispered.
(Y/N) promised Niall that we would name it James, Niall’s middle name. She would be so ecstatic to see our beautiful baby boy..
I took James home the next day but I spent the whole night thinking bout what I was going to do. It kills me to see his face. I love him so much but I can’t help but think of his mom. I walked out of the hospital with an adoption brochure in my hand.
He cries all the time. I know he’s still a newborn and that’s what babies do, but nothing I can do will stop him. The boys are visiting today. They have a two days in between a concert and are flying back home to see him and comfort me. Maybe they’ll know how to stop him from screaming.. I know (Y/N) would know how..
“Hey man..” Harry said, as he and the others walked into our, my apartment.
“Hey..” I whispered.
One by one, they hugged me. Niall was last and I broke down again.
“Listen, it’s going to be alright Liam.. We’re here for you.” He said, letting me cry.
“I’m scared. I’m scared as hell.”
“Liam, you’ll be okay..” was all they said.
They stayed for a few hours and then had to catch a flight back. It was late so I put James into his crib only to be woken up an hour later. I picked him up and walked to the kitchen to get him a bottle.
I don’t know how people do this. He’s only been alive for a week and I can’t take it. I miss (Y/N). I love James, I love my son, I do. But it kills me to see him. He looks so much like her. This would be so much easier with her here. Wiping my eyes, I cried.. again. It’s all I ever seem to do anymore. Nothing seems to make me smile anymore except the few times James has smiled at me. It’s not enough though.. I don’t want to give him to another family but I don’t want to raise him alone.
A few weeks passed and nothing seemed to get better. If anything, he began to look more like (Y/N). He’s been crying for almost an hour. I’ve tried his favorite toys but nothing was working. I set him down in his playpen and was about to call my mom and ask her what to do but a video started playing.
“Hi James. This is your mom. You still have a month to go but I can’t wait to see you and hold you. I know you’re going to be so handsome, just like your daddy. I love you so much already. I’ll see you soon.”
(Y/N).. She had me record that video of her.. James had quieted down a little after the video was over. I played it again for him to see. He smiled the whole time and touched the screen..
“Your mom loved you James. She still does, wherever she is..” I whispered to him.
Picking him up, I sat on the couch and saw the adoption pamphlet I picked up at the hospital. I crumbled it up and threw it towards the trash can.
“You’re not going anywhere James.”
I miss him. I haven’t seen or let alone heard from him in almost two years. I still remember his X Factor audition. It was great, wonderful, amazing. I knew he would make it this time, and he did. He really made it. He is in one of the biggest boy bands ever. He promised that he would always have time for me. I guess some promises are just to hard to keep. who could blame him though? He is living his dream. Why would he want to keep in touch with the girl who’s been there for him through everything. Why would he want to stay friends with the only girl who’s seen him cry, the girl who helped him cope with the bullies at school? Whatever. It’s not like I care. It’s not like I miss him everyday or wish and pray that he’ll call.
No one knows I used to be his best friend. I moved not long after he stopped talking to me so the kids at my new school had no idea. It only makes it harder. I can say I don’t miss him, but I know I do. Monica, one of my best friends is completely obsessed with One Direction. I’ve never heard a full song by them, other than what I saw on the X Factor. It would only make me feel worse. She doesn’t know why I don’t like them and never shuts up about them. Of course, she is dragging me to a meet and greet with her in two weeks. I’m only going because she promised that if I went she wouldn’t talk about them when I am around. Liam probably won’t even recognize me..
“Really, (Y/N). I don’t see why you don’t like them, they’re just so cute and they are great singers. How can you not love them?!” she was just bombarding me with questions on the drive to the meet and greet.
“I just don’t okay?” I mumbled.
“Fine.. but once you see them in person, you won’t be able to resist. I think you’d fancy Niall or Liam the most.” I cringed when I heard his name.
“It’d probably be Niall.” I said, “I don’t like Liam.”
“What?! How can you not like Liam! He’s so adorable! He’s like a puppy dog, he just broke up with his girlfriend Danielle you know, maybe there’s a chance for me!” She giggled.
We reached the location it was being held at, and I took a deep breath. I can do this. Just act like you don’t remember him, everything will be fine. Oh god, we’re getting closer to the front of the line.. I can’t do this. Why did I let her talk me into this..
“Hello! I’m Niall!” the blonde one said as we approached them.
Oh good, Liam isn’t even looking my way yet. I just have to stay on the other side of Niall and I’ll be fine..
“Hi Niall, I’m (Y/N).” I grumbled, forcing a smile.
“Have you been to other meet and greets? You look really familiar..” the curly haired boy next to Niall asked.
“No, I just came here with my friend..”
“Hmm.. then why do you look so familiar? Louis, Zayn, doesn’t she look familiar?” he said to the other boys next to him.
“She does.. where have I seen her..Wait! I know where we’ve seen her from!” the dark haired one said.
“What are you guys talking about, I’ve never met you in my life.” I barked.
“Where she from man?” Niall asked.
“Remember that picture Liam showed us?”
“Oh! It is her isn’t it!”
“What are you talking about?” my heart was beating faster.. what picture?
“Liam has a picture of you and him! He looks at it before every concert! Wow, he’s going to be so excited you’re here!!” Niall said.
“Monica, come on let’s go. You’ve met them now we can leave.” I said, pulling her away from the conversation she and Liam were having.
I could hear them talking as we walked away.
“Liam! That’s the girl! From that picture you showed us, the girl from back home? Remember??” Zayn exclaimed.
“What?” I could hear his voice.
I missed it so much.. I could just turn around and see if he remembers me, but I won’t. I can’t. It’s my turn to leave him in the dust. My eyes began to water as I jogged towards Monica’s car.
“(Y/N)! What the hell!!” she screamed, ignoring the fact that I was crying.
“I’m sorry.. I just could stay there.” I sobbed.
“Why??” she asked, pulling me in for a hug to comfort me.
“Because of me..”
Liam? Of course he ran after me..
“Monica, let’s just go. Please.” I begged.
“Wait, I’m confused. Can someone please fill me in?”
“Yes I can, at my house. Let’s go.” I said, getting in on the passenger side of the car.
“Please talk to me (Y/N)..” Liam sighed, grabbing the car door before it could close.
“Why. Why should I. Please, enlighten me Liam.” I cried, wiping away my tears, something he used to do for me.
“I-I don’t know.. Just let me at least tell you why I never called you back..”
I can’t look at him. I know his eyes would just send me running into his arms and I can’t do that. I’ve been doing so good at convincing myself that I don’t need him and I’m not about to break down.
“Monica? That’s you right?” Liam asked.
“Y-yeah! I-I’m.. My names Monica.” she babbled.
“Can you just go back inside and hang out with the boys for a little, I really need to talk to (Y/N), alone..” his voice trembled.
“S-sure!” she said and ran off.
“(Y/N).. Please just look at me while I tell you this..” he begged.
“No.” I spat.
“Okay.. I deserved that I guess. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not calling, I’m sorry for not visiting, I’m sorry for just dropping our friendship, I’m sorry. But I couldn’t call because I made a promise that I wouldn’t let you down, remember? When I was on X Factor and called saying we made it to the live shows? I promised I wouldn’t let you down. And then we came in third, and I broke that promise. So I’ve been waiting for something big to happen to prove that I won’t let you down again. But nothing has ever been enough, and eventually I figured you’d forgotten about me because you stopped calling..”
“Liam, you didn’t let me down by not winning, you let me down by leaving me alone. I only stopped calling because you never picked up. Don’t try to make these seem like my fault because it’s not and we both know that. Do you know how that made me feel? Mr. Big Shot doesn’t have time for the girl who helped you through the bullies, the girl who held you when you cried, the girl who supported you in everything. What would have happened if I didn’t come here today? Would you have ever called me? I doubt it. I’m finally getting used to the idea that you’re gone. It’s like you died and I can see you living it up in heaven. I’ve never been hurt so bad, never felt so alone and yet you still have all of me. You can’t fix this Liam, the wounds you caused are still to fresh. Just please go get Monica so I can leave and we can pretend none of this ever happened.”
I pulled the door shut and grabbed my ipod and headphones, played some music and curled up in my seat, putting my head down on my knees so I could cry without him seeing.
“(Y/N)! Please! Don’t shut me out!! Please! I can fix this!!” I could just barely hear him over my music.
The pounding on the window and shouting stopped a few minutes later. I figured that was a good sign but it wasn’t. Outside the car I saw Monica with Liam and the other boys and rolled down the window.
“Monica, get in the car. Please, let’s go.” I begged her once again.
“No, Liam told me everything and I think you should give him another chance. Remember on the way here I said he broke up with his girlfriend? He told me he felt guilty and she only reminded him of you. Listen to him, forgive him. I know you, you want to forgive him.” she said.
She was right. I do want to forgive him. But he hurt me. Opening the car door, I carefully thought about what I was about to do. If I don’t let him back into my life, I’ll spend everyday wondering what if. Running into his arms, I broke down again and cried. It was nice though, to have someone to wipe the tears away again.
“You’re going to have to jump through hoops to get back to the way we were before.” I sobbed into his shoulder.
Shushing me, he whispered into my ear.
“You know, you have all of me too.”
I knew she had problems with herself. She never felt pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, everything. I promised her I would make her feel loved, because she is. I love her. She’s my everything, my world. I still remember the first date we went on. It was perfect, just like her. We went to the park and watched the leaves fall from the trees while she let me inside her brain. She told me everything. Her past, a little bit about her problems, her future, every single thought that had crossed her mind. That’s when I knew. She was so broken and I wanted to heal her. We sat on that park bench and talked for hours, and we went back to that park bench often, at least once a week.
I remember the time when I found her in our bathroom, sitting by the toilet, her finger down her throat. I held her in my arms while she cried and told her that she didn’t need to lose weight, she is beautiful to me and that’s all that mattered. She promised she would stop doing that and I thought all her troubles were behind her, but I was wrong.
She always wore bracelets on her wrist. Eight to be exact. She never took them off. Never. One time, she had her hands in the air when we were dancing and I saw them. I saw the scars. There were several, some big and long, others small and skinny. I kissed her wrists and promised her I would help her stop. I couldn’t bear to see her hurt herself. How could anyone so beautiful feel so much pain? Well, I guess I’ll never know the answer.
She said she was feeling better about herself, and I thought she was too. She seemed happier, more optimistic. Again, I was wrong. She was only getting worse and just better at hiding it. She told me not to blame myself, but I can’t help it. At night, I lie awake and just think, “What if I had called her.” “What if i went over sooner.”
What if. It’s only two words but it leads to so much pain for me. It is my fault. I told myself I would help her, I would heal her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I can’t.
I wish she were here to tell me everything will be alright, but she’s miles away. Yesterday she was here with me and now she’s gone. I miss her so much. I keep thinking she will come walking through our door but she won’t.
In the stars, when birds sing, and in my dreams, she said that’s were she will be. That’s were I will see or hear her again. It’s not good enough though. I wish she had stayed. I wish she were here with me. I miss her.
Days will pass and other people will have the same fate as hers, but she will be the only one to effect me this much. I don’t know how I’m going to get over her, and I’m not even sure I want to. It’s complicated to explain. She asked me to make her a promise, and I will keep it for as long as I live. She asked me to visit the park and sit on our bench, and just watch the skies. I will, because it’s the last thing she will ever ask of anyone.
Thank you all for attending today, I know if she were here she would thank everyone of you. She also wrote that if anyone is crying, to stop and wipe your tears, because she is no longer suffering anymore..
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough to keep her here, I wish I could have stopped her from suffering and kept her alive and I would do anything to go back and change what happened. I want her to know, if she is listening in on us right now, that if the only way I’ll see her again is in my dreams, I’ll sleep and we’ll live forever.