Am I better off dead or am I better off a quitter? Lou says I’ll find someone better. Liam only sighs while Zayn and Niall stay silent. Why did I think this was a good idea? (Y/N) is perfect. The way she smiles, how she kisses me, the way she truly cares about everyone. Well, I suppose she doesn’t care about me anymore. She made that pretty clear when I broke things off.
“I never want to see you again. Leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t text me, don’t call, don’t even glance my way if we see each other around town. I thought you were different, thought we were different, but I guess we’re just like everyone else. Fall in love and then fall in hate. I’m just done..”
She screamed at me. She never screamed at anyone, ever. I’d never seen her as mad as she was then.
“Harry, really this is for the best. You’re better off now than you ever were with her. Let’s go to the bar and get some drinks to get over it.” Louis smiled, grabbing his coat.
“Yeah! That’s a great idea, maybe you’ll find some other girl!” Zayn chimes in, finally contributing to the conversation.
Smiling, I stand and grab my coat as well, trying not to look too down.
During the short walk there, Niall starts talking saying that he never really liked (Y/N) anyways which is a complete lie. He adored her. They were best friends, and I’m sure they still will be, just not around me..
“Annooother one pleasse!” My voice slurs to the bartender.
“Don’t you think that’s pushing it, Haz?” Liam whimpers, as he glances my way.
“Your buddy’s right, man. You’ve had enough. Go home.” the man shouts and turns to Louis, “Get him outta here. I need the bar open for other customers.”
“This was supposed to help him, not make it worse..” Zayn scoffs to Niall, thinking I can’t hear him.
Stumbling out the doorway, I begin shouting.
“Niiaalll, you had juuust as much as mee. And you’re fine, soo I-I’m finee. Now let’s goo to anotherr bar.”
“No way, man. You definitely had more than me, you’re smashed. Let’s just go.” he replies, as I fling my arm over Liam’s shoulders.
Dragging my feet, my voice screams out.
“(Y/N)!!!!! (Y/N)!!! Wheree areeee youuuu?!”
“Haz, be quiet! You’re going to wake up all of London if you keep that up!” Liam whines, trying to support my body.
“Liam is right, Harry. Just get over it already.” Louis hisses, grabbing my other arm to lighten Liam’s load.
“Stooopp it Louu. I-I know you hated her.. D-Donnn’t pretend you liked her.. This issss probablyy great for youu.. All of youu aree probably glad this happenedd. Donnn’t follow meee. I’m go-gonna go talk to herr.” I shout, clumsily jogging around the corner, leaving the four confused boys there.
When I’m convinced they’re long gone, I start thinking.
I know I messed up. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had. That’s what we do though. We fight, but one of us swallows our pride and apologizes and I suppose it’s my turn to take the blame. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had though, we’ve never said we hate each other before or that we’re broken up.. I’m still shouting out her name even though some people yell at me to shut up. If I just make it to her place, I can change her mind. This will all just be a big laugh in the morning, I can turn this all around. I know I can.
Tripping over the rails and fences, I start recognizing the streets and apartment buildings. I know if we see each other she’ll take me back. She’l have to. If we’re face to face, she’ll come to her senses, she will see how bad I’m hurting and take me back. Yeah I’m drunk, but she’s never cared about that before what would make this any different? (Y/N) will listen even though my words are slurred cause it’s all true.
When I finally find her place, I knock on the door and hope she answers.
Checking my pockets for my phone, I dial her number.
“Hello?” she answers after the fourth ring.
“What do you want Harry. I told you not to call me..” she sighs and I can hear her face turn to a frown.
“I-I justt waant too tallllk.”
“Wellll, let me.. let me start with.. Umm.. Youu.. You know what sucks? Basicallyyyyy, when I get home.. there’s no one waiting for mee. The first day you werre gonee I callled out for you but you weren’t.. you weren’t there.. I’m sorry.. Sorry for everything.. I want to takeee it allll back.. I’mm sorrry.. I’m still in love.” I confess though the phone, staring up at her window. “Areee you theree?”
I wait for her to answer, but all I heard was nothing. She said nothing. I wanted words but all I heard was nothing, I got nothing.
Am I better off dead, or am I better off a quitter?
I miss home. Badly. Being on tour with the boys—the best friends I could ever ask for—is fun, but I miss home. I wanna go home. See my family, my friends, my girl. [Y/N]’s sad face haunts me these days whenever I close my eyes. She’s all I see. In everything I do, I see her. The lyrics, the songs, the fans, the cities. I had a peppermint yesterday and it reminded me of [Y/N]. I don’t even know why, but it did.
I miss my sister, my mother. I miss everything. Everything. The way the trees look, the way the streets curve. Everything about Cheshire, I miss. Even the rainy days, I miss them. I never thought I would, but I do. It’s like having everything handed to you, but still wanting more. It’s not the big things I want, or the fancy things. The invites to red carpets or the girls calling my name. It’s none of that.
I want home.
- - -
I woke up this morning with an ache. I rolled over in the tour bus bunk, but it didn’t go away. It stayed. And I knew what it was too. I was missing home too much. I understood that this was part of my job, but it didn’t make the pain go away. Rolling over, I faced the curtain they gave a little privacy to the small bunk and hugged my pillow, willing the pain to go away.
So far, I’ve been able to come off as the Cheeky Chap from Cheshire every knows. To put on a façade. But I’m slowly dying inside. I don’t know how long I can last. Sometime soon, I know Louis will catch on. He’s my best friend; he knows me like the back of his hand. It’s only a matter of time before he notices that something’s not right. Just a matter of time before I crack.
- - -
I tried to write [Y/N] a letter today, but I couldn’t. Everything I seemed to write seemed stale. Dried up. Cold and flail. It was sunny today, but I’m starting to get sick of that, too. We’re so close to the end of the American leg of the tour, but all I can think about is home. I’ve almost messed up several solos because of it. The lads blamed it on nerves, but I knew better. Home is all I ever think about. It’s invaded my thoughts, even my subconscious. I dreamt I was back in Grade 3. My mother’s laugh. I dreamt about when I bumped into [Y/N] randomly on the streets one night after a late night walk without the paparazzi…
Those simple things seem so far away.
- - -
I woke up reenergized. It’s the last stretch of the tour, seven more stops. Then we’re done. Yeah, it’ll be bittersweet. But I don’t see it as seven more days until tour ends. I see it as seven more days until home.
I guess you don’t realize at first how bad it’s going to be. Yes, I’ve gone on tours away from home before. Yes, I’ve always though that each one would be different. Everytime the same thing happens. I don’t think it’ll be that bad; everyone calls and writes, skypes, texts. Then I get caught up in the excitement of tour. Then, the sadness hits. And it never really goes away.
- - -
Last night was the last night of the tour. After I realized it wouldn’t be long until I saw everything I loved again, I was like a different person. I became the Cheeky Chap again, the real one. My smiled reached my eyes in all the pictures. I was finally, truly happy.
And as I stepped off the plane in Heathrow today, and saw everyone I love waiting for me, I knew I was finally where I belonged.
Neither of us thought that it would happen so quickly. The doctors said it was easily curable and that they found it just in time. I guess they didn’t run enough tests or treat it quick enough.
Harry keeps telling me not to worry and that he’ll be alright. For a few minutes, I believe him because he’s learned so well how to put on a happy face and pretend he’s not in pain. It only makes it worse in the end. I know he’s not okay, he’s never going to be okay.
The cancer started in his pancreas. His doctor said he’d be okay after a small surgery and some chemo but it wasn’t enough. It kept spreading and spreading and soon it was too much to treat. Their exact words were, ‘It’s sparked other secondary cancers and it’s impossible to treat him.. He’s only got maybe half a year…’
Harry’s tried to keep a positive outlook on life but it’s tough. The boys don’t want to stay together without him, but that just breaks his heart. He knows how much the fans will be crushed but he doesn’t realize that his friends and family will be crushed even more.
I’m trying to come to terms with it as well. We’ve only been married for nearly three years, we haven’t even had a chance to have children. He talked me into trying once a couple days ago but I don’t think I’d be able to handle it, yet at the same time I know I won’t want to have a child with anyone other than him..
“Babe?” He called out, pulling me from my thoughts and into reality.
“Yeah?” I replied as I got up from my chair and walked towards him.
“W-What are you going to say when I’m.. When I’m..”
“Don’t say it..” I whisper, cutting him off.
“Well, what are you going to say?” he continued.
“Is there something specific you want me to tell people?”
“I don’t know.. Just please don’t take it too hard. Tell people how much you loved me.. and don’t worry about me.. We’ll meet again when your time comes..” he whispered as he kissed my hand gently. “And when my parents come here when it happens.. Can you just tell them that same thing? Tell them I’ll be alright and that I love them.. And this little baby that we may have created, tell him or her that I love it so much. Don’t let them forget that.. Don’t you forget that either, (Y/N). Don’t you forget about me.. Please promise you won’t forget about me when I’m gone..”
He started crying at the end of it. He’s not cried once since we found out the cancer became terminal..
“Harry, I could never forget you.. I’m not making any promises of taking it too hard because I know that I won’t be okay, I may make it through but I won’t ever be the same afterwards.. I love your parents, I’ll help them get through it as well, and if I do have a baby Styles in me I will tell them everyday about you.. but I can promise I will never be able to forget about you..”
“(Y/N)?” he murmured after a few minutes of silent cries.
“I love you..”
“I love you too, Harry..”
A few weeks have passed since then and Harry’s only gotten weaker and weaker. It hurts to see him so frail and breakable.. He’s so different from the Harry I met four years ago. Much skinnier, and his hair isn’t as curly and he rarely smiles except for when I hold his hand or kiss him.
I haven’t gotten my period yet and I finally had time to go to the store and get a pregnancy test. More and more I hope that I’ll be carrying his child because it’ll be the only thing I’ll have left of him..
When I get back to our house, I find Harry in bed just looking through the TV channels since he can barely walk around by himself anymore. Kissing him on the cheek, his eyes light up and I walk towards the bathroom, hiding the test from him so I can possibly surprise him.
Ripping the box open, I take the plastic stick out and do what the directions say and just wait. I hear a crash and leave the bathroom to check on Harry. At first, I think he just dropped the remote, but his eyes are closed and his body is eerily still. His hand just lays off the bed, slightly pointing to the remote on the fllor and I know what’s happened.
He’s gone. That’s it. He’s lived his life, and now it’s over.. Running over to him, I grab his phone from the bedside table and dial the phone for an ambulance, the boys, and then Anne. Telling Anne was hardest.
How do you tell a mother her only son just died? Thankfully, she knew before I had to say it and said she was on her way over. My vision got hazy as I held myself to his body. I knew this would happen eventually, but I didn’t think it’d be so soon.
The paramedics came soon followed by the boys and then Anne. It wasn’t until Anne reminded me that he wanted a baby before he died that I remembered the test. Breaking down for the third time in a few hours, she held me while I cried before looking at the results.
“I loved your song you know.. I loved his sturdy arms and how he’d hold me when I cried.. I’ve tried to imagine what life would be like without him, but I can’t.. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you.. He loves you so much.. and he doesn’t want you to worry about him.. He said he’d be okay and that we’ll see him again someday..” I whimpered, pulling away from her.
“I know, (Y/N).. I can tell he loved you too.. He always called me at least once a week and just talked about how amazing you are.. I know that he will be alright with however the test comes out.. Now go look, we have some other things to take care of..”
Standing up, I slowly walked back to the bathroom. My trembling hands reached for the white stick and looked to the box for what the results meant.
Two lines means.. Pregnant.
I smiled to myself and ran my hand across my stomach, forgetting that I’d be raising this child alone for a moment. Reality hit as Anne walked through the door and I began sobbing again.
She comforted me and eventually, I remembered that Louis and the others would definitely want to help out with the baby as well as Anne.
With each coming night, I’m only going to love Harry and this baby more and more. There’s no way I’m breaking my promise.
It’s been such a long, painful night. I’ve been hearing for weeks Harry was cheating on me with his ex, Caroline, but since I trusted him I didn’t believe anything… until last night. He was at the bar with the boys and I called him to say goodnight, and I asked him what he was doing and he slipped out that he just got done with Caroline in the bathroom. I burst into tears and pressed the end button. I can’t believe Harry just admitted he was cheating on me, but I guess drunken words are sober thoughts. As soon as I hung up, I pulled out the bottle of Vodka I had and chugged it down. I was in no position to leave the house tonight so I would wait until tomorrow. I slipped under the comfort of the blankets and cried myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover imaginable. It didn’t help that as soon as I opened my eyes I saw Harry laying there peacefully asleep. I walked around the room and gathered all of my belongings, and went downstairs to get Tylenol and leave all of this behind. As I was turning around to go upstairs and get dressed and leave, Harry comes stumbling down the stairs.
“Oh my god, I feel like someone took a hammer to my head.” He groaned rubbing his head.
“That’s great, Harry. It feels like you shoved a knife through my heart so I guess we’re in the same boat.” I said harshly.
“W-what are you talking about, (Y/N)?!” He exclaimed.
“Oh, you don’t remember? I called you to say goodnight and asked what you were doing and you said you just finished with Caroline in the bathroom. That’s what I’m fucking talking about! How could you possibly do this to me, Harry? Have these past 9 months meant nothing to you? Am I not good enough?!” I screamed, tears falling from my eyes.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I was drunk, I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know what I was doing. You have to believe me!” He apologized while walking towards me. I walked back every step closer he got.
“Now that I’m thinking sober, don’t you get no closer. I’m just gonna go to my car and drive. I think you really blew it this time, Harry…” I whispered before going upstairs and gathering my things and going back downstairs, him still standing in the exact spot except staring straight at me with red-rimmed eyes.
“Please don’t leave me, (Y/N). It was a stupid mistake that I never meant to happen. Please, just don’t give up on me. I need you in my life, who else am I supposed to count on.” He whispered.
“I’m not that dumb to stick around, Harry. You blew it. You cheated on me, when I told you from the very beginning that I was not tolerant about. YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU AND ABOUT CHEATING BUT YOU STILL DID IT. I LOVED YOU HARRY; I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD OF ME. I PUT EVERYTHING I HAD INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP TO KEEP IT WORKING AND I GET THIS FROM YOU?! YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME GIRL THAT’S 15 YEARS YOUR SENIOR! I hope you’re happy with her, because she’s all you’ve got now. I’m not going to call this a break, because it’s not. It’s done, we’re done. ” I yell, I had to get all my anger out, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. He deserved it anyways; it was his fault all this was happening. I turned around on my heel and walked to the door, out the door and into my car. I drive to my best friends flat and tell her everything that happened, and she said she’d let me crash there until I was back on my feet.
A month later, it was around midnight, I was just sitting on the couch thinking stuff over and my phone goes off with Harry’s personalized ringtone that he changed it to on our 2 months. I just sit there and let it ring. I can’t let him win this one; I can’t go crawling back to him. Because let’s face it, if he cheats on me once, he’ll cheat on me again. I should’ve realized from the beginning he couldn’t commit to an average girl. He was Harry freaking Styles, heart throb from One Direction who could have any girl he wanted. Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes, but I pushed them back not wanting to show weakness. I hear something hit the window and I just ignore it thinking a branch or something hit it. I turn back to the TV until I hear the familiar ‘ping’ again. I walk over to the window, and look out it. I see it’s just Harry throwing rocks trying to get my attention, but I just roll my eyes and walk toward the light switch and turn off the light.
I sit back down on the couch and start smiling like a big goof. I have no time to dwell on the past. I need to move on with my life, and not have the burden of his cheating on my shoulders. Yeah, it’s going to be a hard process but I deserve better, way better. There’s no changing my mind. I hope he aches the way I’ve been, when he looks back and realizes there was no better than me. There was no one who could’ve loved him more than I could or ever will. I can tell he’s hurting and wants me back, but I can’t let him win. He did wrong and I can’t do it, I just can’t date a cheater.
He knows he’s made his greatest mistake.
Just one more night. I know I always say it, but this time I mean it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the cheating, the fighting, the tears, the name calling. It’s just to over-bearing to deal with anymore. I love him with all of my heart and more, but this just isn’t healthy. It’s not normal and at the end of the day it just hurts us even more. Yeah, the making up is always nice, but that doesn’t take away all the pain and problems. Every single day it ends with things being broken and doors being slammed until one of us goes to the other and apologizes. It’s become a routine, and it’s not comforting. I don’t want to let him go, but we both deserve better than this. I’ve been sitting on the bed waiting for him to come home from the recording studio to talk to him about it.
Its two hours later before I hear the door shut softly and I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and open the bedroom door. He sets down his messenger bag and takes off his shoes before acknowledging I’m there.
“Hi.” He says before going to the bathroom.
“Hi. We need to talk, Harry.” I whisper.
“What is there to possibly to talk about?” He questions with an attitude. This is exactly what I’m talking about. One of us gets an attitude with the other and it evolves into a fight, just like it’s fixing to. I feel anger erupt through my veins and it gives me even more of a reason to yell until I can’t anymore.
“THIS! ALL OF THIS! ALL WE EVER DO IT FIGHT AND I’M TIRED OF IT! I’M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE AND I KNOW YOU’RE NOT EITHER. WE USED TO BE SO IN LOVE NOW WE CAN’T EVEN GO FIVE SECOND WITHOUT WANTING TO RIP EACH OTHERS HEADS OFF! SO HOW ABOUT WE END THIS BEFORE WE ACTUALLY DO KILL EACH OTHER!” I scream as loud as I possibly can. He stands there for a moment, with his eyes filled with anger and sadness. I can tell he’s not happy with us constantly fighting, and it’s getting us nowhere.
“OH YEAH? THEN GO. NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO STAY; I’D BE PERFECTLY FINE WITHOUT YOU ANYWAYS! YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I WISH I’D NEVER MET YOU! MAYBE MY LIFE WOULDN’T BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU BITCHING EVERY SINGLE TIME I COME HOME!” He retorts back. I can’t believe he just said that to me, tears fall from my eyes and I just shake my head unable to even respond to that.
“Baby, you know I didn’t mean it. It’s just when you yell, I yell and we both say things we don’t even mean. I know, I’m tired of this fighting to, but we’ll work on it. I want to work on it, I don’t want to lose you.” He whispers while looking down at his feet. I stare at him angrily before getting up and walking over to our picture of us at the beach on our six months and throw it on the ground screaming at the top of my lungs.
“STOP IT! JUST STOP! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WE MEAN EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF OUR MOUTHS. WE HATE EACH OTHER BUT LOVE EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME AND IT’S NOT FAIR. WE CAN’T KEEP THIS UP, ITS NOT HEALTHY. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN EACH OTHER.” I scream, tears flooding my eyes making my vision blurry. He comes running over to me and wraps me in his arms tightly.
“Stop it, (Y/N). Please stop saying this. I’ll stop fighting with you; I’ll stop doing the things that make you hate me. Whatever it is, I’ll stop so we can keep this working!” He whimpered still holding me as close as possible. I try to tell him no but; my body has a desire for him that I can’t control.
“I cross my heart and I hope to die this I’m only staying with you one more night, Harry.” I cry before hugging him back and tilting my head up to kiss him. We fall into the bed, and make love one last time, both of us making it as memorable as possible. I don’t want to leave him, but it’s for the best. I know what I was getting into when I started dating him, and it was great at first and then it started going downhill into this disaster. I lied in bed crying silently with his arms wrapped around my waist, savoring these last moments with the boy who had been my whole world for so long. The tiredness taking over from my tears, I drifted off into a deep sleep.
I woke up the next morning, and checked the time. 10 am. I thought about last night, and instantly regretted it. It’s just making it harder to leave his side.I removed Harry’s arms from my waist and packed my things, and got dressed. I walked over to Harry and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I looked back at him from the bedroom door when I reached it, and contemplated on whether this was a bad decision. I knew it had to be done before we got even more hurt.
“I’ll always love you, Styles. But this is good for us.” I choked out before crying, and quickly heading down the stairs and out the door. Out the door of the house and out the door of the persons heart who I had loved for so long
Iknew it was coming; it just took one more night.
“What do I have to do to find a girl that I like and likes me back?!” I mumbled, throwing my phone onto the couch across from me.
“What’s wrong? Cara not work out?” he asked, ready to give me any advice.
“I just.. I dunno. We don’t get on as well as I wish we would. She’s nice and all but she always talks about how One Direction is so big and how I’m so famous.. I don’t want that. I want someone to make me just feel like myself, the awkward kid from Holmes Chapel. Know what I mean?” I asked, suddenly feeling silly.
“Yeah I understand. It’s the way Danielle makes me feel. You want someone who will pick you up when you’re feeling down, right?”
“Exactly! If anything, Cara only makes me feel worse..”
“Well hey, you’re going to Eleanor’s party next week right?”
“Yeah, we all are aren’t we?”
“Yes, but maybe you’ll meet someone there. Sounds plausible to me!” Liam smiled, probably proud of himself for using the word plausible in a normal conversation.
Liam was right. At least he was so far. The party started off kind of boring as I saw the same usual faces, but as a girl walked in through the door, she was the only one I saw. Her brown hair was wild and curly, like mine, but her face was spotted with freckles that she didn’t worry about covering like most girls I know.
“Who you staring at mate?” Lou asked as he saw my eyes looking towards her.
“Lou, who is that?” I asked, subtly pointing in her direction.
“Who is who?”
“That girl over there, the beautiful one with curly hair and freckles.” I mumbled looking away from her so I didn’t look creepy.
“Well, how am I supposed to know I’m asking you who it is.” I smirked, taking a sip of the drink in my hand.
“I’ll go bring her over here!” he laughed, getting even for my smart alec response.
“No- Lou!” I screeched, mentally preparing myself for embarrassment.
I could see him talking to her from across the room. She smiled and giggled a little, and it was a great sight. She seems so happy.
“This is Harry! Harry, this is Macy!” he introduced us and then walked away without another word.
“Hi, Harry! It’s nice to meet you!” she smiled, showing no signs of nervousness like most girls did. It’s a nice breath of fresh air.
“You too.. So how do you know Eleanor?”
How does she know Eleanor? Stupid question Harry, stupid. I said to myself but not out loud.
“We go to uni together, we have a couple classes.” Macy smiled again, looking over my awkwardness, “How do you know her?”
“One of her best friends and I worked together back in Holmes Chapel and we just kinda met and now she’s dating my best friend.” I replied, searching for the words.
“Oh you’re from Holmes? Where do you live now?”
“London, me and most of the boys live there so it’s easier to get together for recording and meetings with management.” I said, taking another sip from my drink.
“The boys? What’s the management for?” she asked.
Did she not know about One Direction? That’s not possible is it? Surely Eleanor has said something.. Right?
“I’m only kidding, Harry. I know about One Direction,” she laughed, “You looked like you’d seen a ghost!”
“Oh! Well, I wouldn’t mind if you didn’t know about One Direction.. That’s all people ever seem to know about me.” I sighed, looking down at my feet.
“Well, Harry, I’d love to know more about you!” Macy smiled again, she’s so bubbly, I love it.
We talked all night until we finally parted ways. Stupidly, I forgot to ask her for her number but figured I could get it from Eleanor later.
I just can’t stop thinking about her.. I gotta find that girl.
Eleanor said she didn’t have her number but that she’d get it from someone else. I don’t want to wait though. Something about her just makes me want to run away with her and make her mine..
Finally, I was able to get a hold of her and I asked her to go get some coffee with me and she agreed. The date went incredibly well and I felt like myself the whole time, not the player that the tabloids make me out as. I was just me.
It ended all too soon as we began saying our goodbyes outside her apartment building.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around..” she grinned, wiping her curly hair away from her eyes.
“I guess so..”
She turned to go inside but I pulled her back by the hand.
“What are you doing?” she giggled, turning around.
“This is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m falling for you. I know we’ve only hung out twice but I really like you. With every single dollar, I’ll be sure to buy you flowers, what are you’re favorite kind?”
“Tulips..” she blushed, letting me continue.
“I’ll buy you all the tulips in the world, and I’ll trade in all my years to spend a single hour with you, come one and spend it with me. You’re so different from the other girls I’ve met and you said earlier you complain a bit, well Macy, you can complain to me all you want. I won’t mind, I just really like being around you. What do you say?” I blurt out, talking fast for the first time in my life.
“Hm…” she hummed, practically killing me with anticipation.
“I don’t think you’d have to trade in years of your life to spend an hour with me, I’d like to spend it with you too.” She smiled, yet again and my heart was beating faster than ever.
I breathed out a sigh of relieve, “Oh thank goodness.. I would’ve been gutted if you said no..”
Pulling her in for a hug, I could feel myself falling crazy, madly, and deeply in love with her.
“Harry? Do you miss me?”
“(Y/N), what kind of question is that? Of course I do.. So much it hurts..”
“I dunno.. It’s just, I see pictures of you and you look like you’re having a blast..” she whimpered, obviously upset.
“It’s only temporary.. When the cameras aren’t flashing I’m a mess.. Just ask Louis, he was practically yelling at me for always talking about you earlier.” I smirked even though she couldn’t see me.
“Aw, well don’t mope around all day either! I want you to be happy, I just want to know that I still mean something to you..”
“Don’t ever ask yourself what you mean to me. You mean the world to me. You’re the most important girl in my life. Well, you’re in a tie with my mom, she did give birth to me.” I chuckled as she laughed along.
“Harry, you’re such a dork..” she sighed, “But I suppose you’re my dork.”
“That’s all I want to hear.” my voice slowed even more than usual as I yawned.
“What time is it where you are, Harry?”
“Only about 3 am..”
“Oh! I’m sorry! Go to sleep you must be exhausted!!”
“No, I wanna talk to you!” I protested, waking up slightly.
“Harry we’ll talk later! Go to sleep okay?”
“Okay..” I sighed, knowing the call would have to end eventually.
“Goodnight, Harry. I’ll see you soon okay?” (Y/N) mumbled through the phone.
“Goodnight, (Y/N).. I love you..” I whispered, I was in my bunk on the tour bus while the other boys were sleeping.
Every night that summer ended that way. I’d call her everyday before I slept and we’d talk for an hour or so. I just can’t let those memories go and I don’t know why.
Why’d it end so fast? I tried to put myself in her shoes, and then I asked the boys for any reasons for her to break things off, and I’ve come up with no clues why. Everything seemed fine to me, but I guess for her it wasn’t. She left without a single word, just a little note card she left on her side of the bed. I came home from the tour to an empty home and that only caused my heart to be empty as well.
I’ve tried to hate her for not saying anything to me but I can’t. She’s always on my mind and I can’t get over her. (Y/N) meant the world to me and the boys could tell. Hell, the whole would could tell. All the tabloids were asking questions and starting rumors about the ‘great Harry Styles’ being in love. And I was. Well, I still am.
An explanation is all I want. If she were to just tell me what went so wrong in the three days before I got back home, I’m sure I’d be able to move on. Without that, I can’t help but think that there’s still a glimmer of hope for us..
She was so different from the other girls I’ve dated. More.. natural. She didn’t try to impress me 24/7 with her beauty, but instead she would just make me smile from her personality. In a rain storm, she wouldn’t be the boring, light pitter patter of rain on the roof, but the loud, mind blowing thunder.
I swear her eyes were the brightest I’ve ever seen. In the dark they could practically glow. They just hypnotized anyone who laid eyes upon her. She always left me gasping for air..
I’ve not gotten out of bed all day. I can’t move a muscle and I don’t bother picking up my phone. Her voice was the soundtrack of my summer, she’ll always be my thunder. Even though we didn’t really spend summer together, her voice was always ringing in my ears. I miss her. I miss summer. The tall grass at the small pit stops we made, the nice breezes in the outdoor arenas, the late night phone calls, all of it.
As rain begins to pour down, I look out my bedroom window and see all the dark clouds filling the skies. Matches my mood. I mumble to myself, as I pull the blankets up to my chin.
My doorbell rings and I assume it’s Lou or Liam checking up on me. Slowly I sit up and wrap the blankets around me as I stumble towards the door. I probably look like a mess, it’s nearly 2 pm and I’m still in just my boxers with my covers hanging over my shoulders. Looking in a close mirror, I see my hair for the first time and it looks like a lions mane..
“Go away, Lou or Liam, whoever you are. I can’t be bothered to see anyone today.” I yell through the door as I get closer.
The doorbell sounds again and as I fling it open and the first howl of thunder sounds from outside.
“Hi, Harry.” (Y/N) murmurs with a smile on her face.
Bring on the rain, and listen to the thunder.
It’s hard being in a relationship with me, I know. I’m rarely in one place for a few weeks at times, and I can be a total idiot, but somehow, (Y/N) still wants to be with me. She could do so much better than me, but she stays with me. I should do more to keep our relationship alive, but I haven’t because I figured that she would be like all the others and leave when things get tough, but she hasn’t. All she has is put into this working, and it’s all because of her that we’re still together.
I love her more than I can begin to explain. She doesn’t care what people think of her even though this world revolves around what people think of you. Everything she does is pure perfection, and I can’t help but smile at the mere thought of her.
There’s been so many rumors since I’ve been on tour, saying that I’ve been with this girl and that girl, but I just hope she knows I’m all hers.
I talked to her on skype earlier. I was beating myself up the whole time. She started crying because she misses me.. I caused that. I caused her to cry. I could feel my heart dying.
After she was okay, she started joking around saying that she would just find someone else to keep her company. I may have laughed but I think we could both see how hurt I was by that. If she wanted to leave, I wouldn’t hold her back but I’d be completely lost with out her.
Our one year anniversary is coming up in a few days so before the skype session ended, I asked her what she wanted as a gift. Normally, I’d expect a girl to say diamonds or a pearl necklace, but no. (Y/N) just wants to see me. She seemed really gutted when I told her I probably wouldn’t be back in time but she doesn’t know that was just a little white lie. I can’t wait to surprise her.
(Y/N) thinks that I have an interview today so I won’t be able to cal her until later but the truth is I’m getting ready to board a plane. I’m not far from home, only a couple hours and I can’t help but feel like a little kid on Christmas eve. I’m just so excited to see her..
Finally reaching our front door, I called (Y/N) and grabbed the guitar that Niall lent me and kneeled with one knee up. He taught me to play a few chords just for (Y/N).
“Happy anniversary, Harry!!” she exclaimed through the phone, even though I could hear her through the door.
“Happy anniversary, babe! You’re surprise is waiting for you at the door! Go get it and call me back!” I whispered, so I wouldn’t be heard other than in the phone.
Hearing her footsteps get closer to the door, I began strumming along the strings, praying I remembered the words. The song begins flowing out of my mouth and as she opened the door, her eyes reddened. Her hand flew to cover her mouth and she sat down beside me.
I think I might totally be lost
You don’t ask for no diamond rings
No delicate string of pearls
That’s why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl”
Tears were slowly falling down her pretty face and the only thing from making me feel horrible about seeing her cry was that they were happy tears. Throwing herself into my arms, I held her tight.
“I missed you so much..” I mumbled into her ear.
“I missed you too.. What are you doing here?!” she smiled, lifting her head from my shoulder.
Standing us up, I held her close again.
“You sacrifice so much of your life for this to work, the least I could do is miss some interviews and maybe a concert for you. You’re worth it.”
Distance doesn’t seem like a big deal when someone is just down the street from you, but when two people are on different continents, it’s hard. I miss Lizzy. Skype is nice, but it’s not enough. Seeing her through a computer screen can’t compare to her in person. Her beauty still takes my breath away even after a year of dating. I wonder what I did to deserve someone like her everyday.
Before her I’d party every night and had different girls every week but when I met her, it was so easy to stop that kind of life. Those girls can’t even compare to Lizzy, she’s in a class all her own.
When she talks to me, even on the phone, my heart races. The boys, especially Louis, poke fun at me but I don’t care, she’s mine and that’s all that matters.
Just thinking about her is making me feel dizzy, intoxicated by the thought of her almost. I know she feels the same about me and that just makes everything better. Together I feel like anything is possible.
I love her hugs. I miss her hugs. I wrap my arms around her body, and hers go around my neck as she buries her face into my shoulder, standing on her tip toes so she can give me a quick kiss when the hug is over. There’s no better place to be. Her kisses are even better. With lips like candy, she knows exactly how to have control over me. Half the time she’s on her tip toes again or I’m leaning down. It’s perfect. Wherever she is, that’s home.
I wonder if it’s just me, or does everyone feel what I feel for Lizzy when I’m around her? If not, they’re missing out. She makes my knees go weak with one glance, my heart pounds, and my eyes can’t stay off her.
I have to talk to her.
“Lizzy, please pick up..” I mutter to myself as the phone keeps ringing.
“Harry? I’ve missed you so much..” she sighs, finally answering the phone.
“I miss you too, I just had to hear your voice..”
“I saw a picture of you and some girl the other day.. Who was she?” she quietly asked.
Her being jealous made me laugh, no other girl stands a chance to her.
“That was just Cara, we’re friends. You don’t have anything to worry about.” I smirk.
“Didn’t look like just friends to me..” she huffed, probably hoping I didn’t hear that.
“I don’t want anyone else, without you there’s nothing left for me. I only want you, Lizzy, I wouldn’t lie to you, you’re my whole life.”
“I know.. I’m just mad she gets to spend time with you and I can barely get a call from you without one of us having to rush off..”
“I know how you feel..But I don’t need another woman, I just need you. I can’t wait to go see you next week.”
“Me too! We’ll finally be able to see each other in person. Skype just doesn’t do you justice, Harry.” she laughed.
“Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you.”
“I gotta see you..”
“I need you, boo.”
We talk for another hour and eventually have to go. It was nice talking to her for so long but it still wasn’t enough for me.
Next week is going to be perfect.
Those three words ruined everything. I had to say it to soon, and it made him scared and walk out on me. We were talking about his tour that he’s going on in a few weeks on the couch while Family Guy played in the background hours earlier. I haven’t left that spot since. I keep thinking that I ran him off for good, but I couldn’t keep it from him. I couldn’t hold it in any longer; I mean we have been dating for almost five months, that’s enough time to know your true feelings, right? I sat on the couch before pulling myself up to get in the shower and go to bed, knowing well enough he would stay the night with one of the boys to avoid keeping this conversation up. I hopped in the shower and relaxed as the hot water fell down my body. I was in there for a good hour before I got out and slipped under the sheets to my flat.
Everything felt terribly wrong with me being there alone. I was so used to his arms being wrapped at me and his chest being pressed up against my back. I was used to smelling him behind me, and hearing him softly snore while drifting into his slumber. I was used to him twitching whenever he first fell into his deep sleeping. I didn’t feel safe without him here, but I figured I better get used to it. I stopped thinking and closed my eyes drifting into much needed sleep. I woke up the next morning to Harry shaking me. I opened my eyes but shut them back closed quickly because the light was so overpowering.
“Look, I’m not sure if I feel the same way but I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want to hurt you or ever be the cause of your tears or see them for that matter.” He whispered. I let a few tears fall down, and then they came down even more and wouldn’t stop.
“Baby it ain’t fair you know to just keep me hanging around. You say you don’t want to hurt me, but yet you’re standing here watching me drown in my tears.” I said harshly.
“Please stop crying! I know it’s not fair, but I want to find out if I am, with spending more time with you.” He said with a slight smile. I stared at him for a few seconds without saying anything and having no expression on my face.
“It’s alright, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about this heart of mine, just take your stupid love and hit the road. There’s nothing you could do or say you’re going to break my heart anyways.” I whimpered staring down at my hands.
“Stop it, just stop with all this nonsense you’re talking. I want to try this with you, and maybe I could love you back.” He whispered the last part; I wanted to cry even more. He said “maybe” he could love me back. That’s not what I want to hear I want to hear that he loves me already and he can’t live without me. But I guess some things just don’t always come true.
“You’re dragging out this heartache. Please just make it quick and let me move on. You’re not making up your mind, it’s killing me and it’s wasting my time. I need so much more than that. I need so much more than YOU.” I said as coldly as I could. I needed to make him hate me; I needed him to never want to talk to me again. It was the only way I could possibly get over Harry. He looked at me with his green eyes that were rimmed with red. He stood up and started walking towards my bedroom. I could feel my heart that was torn into pieces being taken with him, not wanting to let go of him. Whether it was in tiny pieces or not, it wasn’t ready to let go of him. But it wasn’t right to stay with someone who didn’t feel as much as I did. I can’t be in a relationship where I’m giving more effort than him. It’s the realization of “I had it and I lost it and I’m not good enough to get it back” that’s what really hurts. I look at him straight in the eye and lock eyes with him for a split second before I say one last thing before the guy I love walks out of my house forever.
“Leave the pieces when you go.” I say and stare at him until he lets a tear stream down him face and walks out the door. I wait a few moments until I hear the front door slam shut, and smile to myself and wipe my eyes, before getting up and starting my new life.