Just a warning, there’s a death in this. The italicized parts are flashbacks.
It’s been a year. He’s been in prison for a year. That means it’s been almost two since his world changed. He still beats himself up over what happened. She said it wasn’t his fault, so why does he feel like it is? He thinks he could have stopped him, could have saved her. Punching his fist into the wall, he gives up. There’s nothing he can do. He wants so badly to wake up from this nightmare. He won’t though, it’s real. It’s all too real. Walking over to his bed which was more of a cot, he tried to clear his mind as he laid down. He’ll never clear his mind though. What happened will haunt him forever, and he won’t be able to escape it.
They had been dating for almost three years. They had talked about marriage and kids and their future together. He was going to propose the next week but he didn’t have a chance.
The sound of a gun shot rang out as he looked around, glad to be alive and not hurt, but he wasn’t in the clear yet. He saw the man run away but he figured the police would find him soon enough.
He thinks of the dinner he had planned for that night. They went to a fancy restaurant where the meals were too small and too expensive. That didn’t matter to them though. They laughed and made jokes and smiled the whole night. He told her how much she meant to her that night.
A hand grabbed at his arm, as she gasped for air.
"No, no, no. Don’t joke around, right now, not now."
That’s all he could say, he thought she was okay, this was just a joke. She wasn’t really hurt.
She sounded weak. Her voice was shaky and she was trying her best to stay standing but her knees were wobbling and he vision was hazy.
"NO, no.. This isn’t happening.. " he whispered as she sank into his arms.
Blood was staining her shirt. Kneeling down, the love of his life lays in his arms.
"Harry.. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to die..I’m not ready to go.." she mumbles as tears begin to fall slowly down her face.
"I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry I should have been in front of you, I shoud’ve-"
"No.. Harry.. You didn’t know.. It’s not your fault.. no.."
"It is, it is. You can’t leave me, please don’t. You’re going to be okay, this isn’t your time, you’re not leaving me.."
His voice is cracking and he’s trying his best not to break down. He wants to be strong for her. He doesn’t want her last memory of him to be him crying.
"Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault, it’s not.. You.. you didn’t know.."
Her voice is getting softer and her breathing is slower.
"No, no, no.. Please stay with me.."
"I.. I love you.. Harry.."
Her eyes seem empty. The brightness that would shine through them is gone. Her pulse is gone. Her chest stopped slowly rising up and down. She’s gone.
The sound of sirens are heard and a few people have started a sort of circle around them. He sobs and after a minute or two, he sees something. It shines in the moonlight. A gun. The gun that just changed everything for him.
"I love you so much, you’ll never leave my mind. I love you, I love you."
Quickly, he pulls out the engagement ring he had bought for her, he always carried it around just incase the time felt right. Opening the box, he picks up the ring and slides it onto her cold finger and kisses her forehead.
Gently, he crumbles up his jacket and makes a pillow for her and lays her head on it.
He grabs the gun and runs.
Now he sits behind prison bars, 25 to life, and she’s not in his arms. He couldn’t bring her back with a bullet to the heart of the man who turned his world apart.
The memory is engraved in his mind. It haunts him. It tortures him. He thinks he could have saved her, but it was too late.
He cries again, just like every night. Grasping his flimsy pillow, he cries out to her in the hopes that she’s listening.
"Stay with me, until I fall asleep. Stay with me. I miss you.. I need you back.. This is just a nightmare.. I’ll wake up and it will be tomorrow and we will be together and happy.. I can’t do this.. I need you.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.."
Drifting to sleep, he hears her voice.
"It’s not your fault, Harry. It’s not. Don’t blame yourself.. It hurts me to think you could have changed what happened, it’s not your fault. Please don’t do this to yourself. I love you so much, Harry."
Her face appears in his dreams and he can’t see anything but her saying “Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault.”
Mumbling, he says “Stay with me, until I fall asleep.. Stay with me..”
It’s been three months. Personally, I don’t think I’m ready to start dating again. Harry was everything I’d ever wanted. Charming, smart, tall, handsome, funny.. The whole package. He’d never shown any signs of wanting to break up.. I thought everything was going fine but I guess not.
Looking into the mirror, I take a deep breath and walk towards my closet to find my shoes.
"Flats, or heels..?" I quietly ask myself, "Hmm.. I think I’ll wear heels.."
It’s been months since I’ve worn heels. Harry never liked me wearing them because he didn’t want anyone else but him to realize how great my legs are. Adding the final touches to my outfit, I grab my purse and walk out of my cold apartment.
Quickly putting in my headphones, soft music plays as I walk towards the cafe down the street. He’s always hated this one.
"The lyrics are completely pointless!"
"Harry, you’ve only heard two seconds of it, give it a chance. I like it.."
I’d whisper whenever I’d play it in the car. Of course he never listened though. Instead he just brushed it off and ignored me. It’s nice to be able to listen to it without his nagging..
Walking outside is nice. It’s cold yes, but the light snow that is falling is absolutely beautiful. The first snowfall of the season.. Me and Harry had always loved playing outside in the snow..
Why can’t I let him go? I’m going on a date for goodness sake! It shouldn’t be this hard..
Pulling the door open, I didn’t expect for my date to be here yet. I got here about ten minutes early anyways. I’ve never met him before, my friend set us up and all she said about him was that he’s blonde.
I’ve never really been attracted to blondes but hey, there’s a first for everything I guess..
Walking towards an open corner table, I keep my head down not wanting to draw attention to myself.
"Excuse me, are you by any chance (Y/N)?" a quiet irish accent whispers, pulling myself from my thoughts.
"Um, yes, are you Niall?" I reply softly.
"Yeah, Trisha has told me a lot about you.. Where do you want to sit?" He smiles, helping me get my coat off.
"Is the corner table alright?"
"Of course, here let me get your chair."
Niall pulls out my chair and tucks it back in when I’m situated. Harry never did that for me.. ever. Smiling to myself, I make a mental note of what a gentleman he is..
"So, how do you know Trisha?" he asks while sitting down across from me.
"We went to high school together and when I moved over here we got back in touch, and how do you know her?" I ask while looking over the menu that was already at the table.
"Her brother and my brother, Greg, are friends and we met at a party that we both got dragged along to."
He smiles and for a second I think there is something on my face but he just blushes when I catch him staring and looks away. The small talk continues and soon we get on the topic of music.
"I play guitar and sing."
"Oh do you now.. Is that supposed to impress me?" I giggle and smirk as he throws his head back laughing.
His laugh is practically contagious because after a couple seconds, I’m laughing uncontrollably as well. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard.. With Harry he was so serious towards the end of our relationship.. He’d only joke around when he was drunk and it was only a few times..
"You know, Trisha said you weren’t funny and I was expecting some stick in the mud, but she was wrong." He blushes, and looks away form me and out the window.
"She said that?! She knows damn well I’m freaking hilarious! I should have my own show!" I joke and he laughs again and his smile..
Wow.. his smile.. His whole face lights up and once again his head goes back laughing.. It’s like he’s a little kid. It’s not a fake laugh either, you can tell..Harry wouldn’t have laughed at that. I think it’s kinda strange Niall finds me funny cause he never did..
I didn’t think this would be such a great date.. He’s nice, he’s funny, he’s definitely attractive, he’s great..
"Are you having a good time? You seem kinda quiet every now and then.."
"Yeah.. I’m fine.. It’s just I dunno.. You’re so different from the guys I usually date.." I whisper, brushing my hair behind my ear.
I want so badly to say how I’ve been hurt before but I don’t. Why should I? He is different. He’s not like Harry. Nothing like him at all. why have I thought that love is stupid? It’s not.. Harry is. Love doesn’t just happen in fairy tales. Why have I spent so long just wishing life would get better? Here with Niall, this is better. I’ve been spending the last three months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end.. But today, Wednesday, in this little cafe.. I can feel it begin again..
"I-Is different.. good?"
"Yeah. Different is good." I blush, "Different is really good.."
For the first time, what’s past is past. This time around it will be different, I’m different now.. He’s different..
On a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.
Am I better off dead or am I better off a quitter? Lou says I’ll find someone better. Liam only sighs while Zayn and Niall stay silent. Why did I think this was a good idea? (Y/N) is perfect. The way she smiles, how she kisses me, the way she truly cares about everyone. Well, I suppose she doesn’t care about me anymore. She made that pretty clear when I broke things off.
"I never want to see you again. Leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t text me, don’t call, don’t even glance my way if we see each other around town. I thought you were different, thought we were different, but I guess we’re just like everyone else. Fall in love and then fall in hate. I’m just done.."
She screamed at me. She never screamed at anyone, ever. I’d never seen her as mad as she was then.
"Harry, really this is for the best. You’re better off now than you ever were with her. Let’s go to the bar and get some drinks to get over it." Louis smiled, grabbing his coat.
"Yeah! That’s a great idea, maybe you’ll find some other girl!" Zayn chimes in, finally contributing to the conversation.
Smiling, I stand and grab my coat as well, trying not to look too down.
During the short walk there, Niall starts talking saying that he never really liked (Y/N) anyways which is a complete lie. He adored her. They were best friends, and I’m sure they still will be, just not around me..
"Annooother one pleasse!" My voice slurs to the bartender.
"Don’t you think that’s pushing it, Haz?" Liam whimpers, as he glances my way.
"Your buddy’s right, man. You’ve had enough. Go home." the man shouts and turns to Louis, "Get him outta here. I need the bar open for other customers."
"This was supposed to help him, not make it worse.." Zayn scoffs to Niall, thinking I can’t hear him.
Stumbling out the doorway, I begin shouting.
"Niiaalll, you had juuust as much as mee. And you’re fine, soo I-I’m finee. Now let’s goo to anotherr bar."
"No way, man. You definitely had more than me, you’re smashed. Let’s just go." he replies, as I fling my arm over Liam’s shoulders.
Dragging my feet, my voice screams out.
"(Y/N)!!!!! (Y/N)!!! Wheree areeee youuuu?!"
"Haz, be quiet! You’re going to wake up all of London if you keep that up!" Liam whines, trying to support my body.
"Liam is right, Harry. Just get over it already." Louis hisses, grabbing my other arm to lighten Liam’s load.
"Stooopp it Louu. I-I know you hated her.. D-Donnn’t pretend you liked her.. This issss probablyy great for youu.. All of youu aree probably glad this happenedd. Donnn’t follow meee. I’m go-gonna go talk to herr." I shout, clumsily jogging around the corner, leaving the four confused boys there.
When I’m convinced they’re long gone, I start thinking.
I know I messed up. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had. That’s what we do though. We fight, but one of us swallows our pride and apologizes and I suppose it’s my turn to take the blame. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had though, we’ve never said we hate each other before or that we’re broken up.. I’m still shouting out her name even though some people yell at me to shut up. If I just make it to her place, I can change her mind. This will all just be a big laugh in the morning, I can turn this all around. I know I can.
Tripping over the rails and fences, I start recognizing the streets and apartment buildings. I know if we see each other she’ll take me back. She’l have to. If we’re face to face, she’ll come to her senses, she will see how bad I’m hurting and take me back. Yeah I’m drunk, but she’s never cared about that before what would make this any different? (Y/N) will listen even though my words are slurred cause it’s all true.
When I finally find her place, I knock on the door and hope she answers.
Checking my pockets for my phone, I dial her number.
"Hello?" she answers after the fourth ring.
"What do you want Harry. I told you not to call me.." she sighs and I can hear her face turn to a frown.
"I-I justt waant too tallllk."
"Wellll, let me.. let me start with.. Umm.. Youu.. You know what sucks? Basicallyyyyy, when I get home.. there’s no one waiting for mee. The first day you werre gonee I callled out for you but you weren’t.. you weren’t there.. I’m sorry.. Sorry for everything.. I want to takeee it allll back.. I’mm sorrry.. I’m still in love." I confess though the phone, staring up at her window. "Areee you theree?"
I wait for her to answer, but all I heard was nothing. She said nothing. I wanted words but all I heard was nothing, I got nothing.
Am I better off dead, or am I better off a quitter?
**Authors Note: the song is Harry’s point of view. the story is (Y/N) point of view**
Running my hand through my hair I realize what I want. Harry and I have been dating for about six months. Fans don’t know about it because I don’t want them to know. I’m not afraid of hate, or paparazzi, I just am afraid of falling in love. I’ve seen love die way to many times when it deserved to be alive. I promised myself I would never dream in love if it does not exist.
Harry doesn’t know about the way I feel about relationships. I’ve only been in less than five other relationships but they were never like the one that I have right now. I have always been an open book, but I never talked about things like this. I knew I was getting deeper into the relationship and truly falling for him and I knew that he loved me. But I was too afraid to show it.
My phone buzzed and the screen lit up. I took it from my bedside table and looked at it. “Harry : hey babe meet me at the park in an hour?” Guess I do have something to do today.
Walking up the side of the hill leading to the park, I saw his curly hair looking down at his phone screen. I walked up behind silently to make sure he didn’t hear me. Without a second thought I screamed his name at the top of my lungs and he jumped up and looked like he just had a mini heart attack. I started laughing uncontrollably when he saw me and he just pulled me in and gave me a weak kiss on the lips. I had never gotten a kiss like that. Something was wrong.
Worried I asked him what was wrong. He simply replied “Nothing, come sit down on the bench with me.”
I sat down on the bench and so did he as he looked down on the ground. In a low voice he simply said, “Am I a bad boyfriend?” Looking up, he stared directly at me. He was serious
It took me a second to reply. He has never asked something like this before. “Of course you are, why would you ask something like that?” I tried to be as sincere as possible but I already knew.
“(y/n), I feel like I have devoted myself to you but you seem to not be as devoted and I just assumed it was my fault. I don’t want you to lie to me because I know when you are lying and I think that you just said that to make me feel better.” He turned his head back to the ground. “I think we need to break up.”
I knew it was too good to be true.
As Harry lifted his head back up to see me, I could only simply nod my head. I did not have tears, but only more proof that true love doesn’t exist. I knew I had to say something and the only thing I could think of was, “If that is what you really want.”
Harry got up and said goodbye as I watched him walk off into the distance. Now that he is gone I finally realize that I loved him. Harry was my first true love and that I cannot picture myself with anyone else. It was too late now. He was gone and I realized that up until I had sworn to myself that I am content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I miss home. Badly. Being on tour with the boys—the best friends I could ever ask for—is fun, but I miss home. I wanna go home. See my family, my friends, my girl. [Y/N]’s sad face haunts me these days whenever I close my eyes. She’s all I see. In everything I do, I see her. The lyrics, the songs, the fans, the cities. I had a peppermint yesterday and it reminded me of [Y/N]. I don’t even know why, but it did.
I miss my sister, my mother. I miss everything. Everything. The way the trees look, the way the streets curve. Everything about Cheshire, I miss. Even the rainy days, I miss them. I never thought I would, but I do. It’s like having everything handed to you, but still wanting more. It’s not the big things I want, or the fancy things. The invites to red carpets or the girls calling my name. It’s none of that.
I want home.
- - -
I woke up this morning with an ache. I rolled over in the tour bus bunk, but it didn’t go away. It stayed. And I knew what it was too. I was missing home too much. I understood that this was part of my job, but it didn’t make the pain go away. Rolling over, I faced the curtain they gave a little privacy to the small bunk and hugged my pillow, willing the pain to go away.
So far, I’ve been able to come off as the Cheeky Chap from Cheshire every knows. To put on a façade. But I’m slowly dying inside. I don’t know how long I can last. Sometime soon, I know Louis will catch on. He’s my best friend; he knows me like the back of his hand. It’s only a matter of time before he notices that something’s not right. Just a matter of time before I crack.
- - -
I tried to write [Y/N] a letter today, but I couldn’t. Everything I seemed to write seemed stale. Dried up. Cold and flail. It was sunny today, but I’m starting to get sick of that, too. We’re so close to the end of the American leg of the tour, but all I can think about is home. I’ve almost messed up several solos because of it. The lads blamed it on nerves, but I knew better. Home is all I ever think about. It’s invaded my thoughts, even my subconscious. I dreamt I was back in Grade 3. My mother’s laugh. I dreamt about when I bumped into [Y/N] randomly on the streets one night after a late night walk without the paparazzi…
Those simple things seem so far away.
- - -
I woke up reenergized. It’s the last stretch of the tour, seven more stops. Then we’re done. Yeah, it’ll be bittersweet. But I don’t see it as seven more days until tour ends. I see it as seven more days until home.
I guess you don’t realize at first how bad it’s going to be. Yes, I’ve gone on tours away from home before. Yes, I’ve always though that each one would be different. Everytime the same thing happens. I don’t think it’ll be that bad; everyone calls and writes, skypes, texts. Then I get caught up in the excitement of tour. Then, the sadness hits. And it never really goes away.
- - -
Last night was the last night of the tour. After I realized it wouldn’t be long until I saw everything I loved again, I was like a different person. I became the Cheeky Chap again, the real one. My smiled reached my eyes in all the pictures. I was finally, truly happy.
And as I stepped off the plane in Heathrow today, and saw everyone I love waiting for me, I knew I was finally where I belonged.
School is starting soon though so it won’t be a whole lot each day but I’ll try to get at least one up a day if not more!
If you’re a writer, PLEASE please consider writing a one shot for this blog, it would be greatly appreciated!!
And if you do write you could also message me and possibly co own this blog? (:
I’m sorry guys, my mom is making me get off but tomorrow I promise I’ll get on as soon as I can!!
I’m starting school soon and I’ll only get more and more busy so if y’all know anyone who would like to help run this blog that’d be great, message me off anon if you’re interested!
Neither of us thought that it would happen so quickly. The doctors said it was easily curable and that they found it just in time. I guess they didn’t run enough tests or treat it quick enough.
Harry keeps telling me not to worry and that he’ll be alright. For a few minutes, I believe him because he’s learned so well how to put on a happy face and pretend he’s not in pain. It only makes it worse in the end. I know he’s not okay, he’s never going to be okay.
The cancer started in his pancreas. His doctor said he’d be okay after a small surgery and some chemo but it wasn’t enough. It kept spreading and spreading and soon it was too much to treat. Their exact words were, 'It's sparked other secondary cancers and it's impossible to treat him.. He's only got maybe half a year…'
Harry’s tried to keep a positive outlook on life but it’s tough. The boys don’t want to stay together without him, but that just breaks his heart. He knows how much the fans will be crushed but he doesn’t realize that his friends and family will be crushed even more.
I’m trying to come to terms with it as well. We’ve only been married for nearly three years, we haven’t even had a chance to have children. He talked me into trying once a couple days ago but I don’t think I’d be able to handle it, yet at the same time I know I won’t want to have a child with anyone other than him..
"Babe?" He called out, pulling me from my thoughts and into reality.
"Yeah?" I replied as I got up from my chair and walked towards him.
"W-What are you going to say when I’m.. When I’m.."
"Don’t say it.." I whisper, cutting him off.
"Well, what are you going to say?" he continued.
"Is there something specific you want me to tell people?"
"I don’t know.. Just please don’t take it too hard. Tell people how much you loved me.. and don’t worry about me.. We’ll meet again when your time comes.." he whispered as he kissed my hand gently. "And when my parents come here when it happens.. Can you just tell them that same thing? Tell them I’ll be alright and that I love them.. And this little baby that we may have created, tell him or her that I love it so much. Don’t let them forget that.. Don’t you forget that either, (Y/N). Don’t you forget about me.. Please promise you won’t forget about me when I’m gone..”
He started crying at the end of it. He’s not cried once since we found out the cancer became terminal..
"Harry, I could never forget you.. I’m not making any promises of taking it too hard because I know that I won’t be okay, I may make it through but I won’t ever be the same afterwards.. I love your parents, I’ll help them get through it as well, and if I do have a baby Styles in me I will tell them everyday about you.. but I can promise I will never be able to forget about you.."
"(Y/N)?" he murmured after a few minutes of silent cries.
"I love you.."
"I love you too, Harry.."
A few weeks have passed since then and Harry’s only gotten weaker and weaker. It hurts to see him so frail and breakable.. He’s so different from the Harry I met four years ago. Much skinnier, and his hair isn’t as curly and he rarely smiles except for when I hold his hand or kiss him.
I haven’t gotten my period yet and I finally had time to go to the store and get a pregnancy test. More and more I hope that I’ll be carrying his child because it’ll be the only thing I’ll have left of him..
When I get back to our house, I find Harry in bed just looking through the TV channels since he can barely walk around by himself anymore. Kissing him on the cheek, his eyes light up and I walk towards the bathroom, hiding the test from him so I can possibly surprise him.
Ripping the box open, I take the plastic stick out and do what the directions say and just wait. I hear a crash and leave the bathroom to check on Harry. At first, I think he just dropped the remote, but his eyes are closed and his body is eerily still. His hand just lays off the bed, slightly pointing to the remote on the fllor and I know what’s happened.
He’s gone. That’s it. He’s lived his life, and now it’s over.. Running over to him, I grab his phone from the bedside table and dial the phone for an ambulance, the boys, and then Anne. Telling Anne was hardest.
How do you tell a mother her only son just died? Thankfully, she knew before I had to say it and said she was on her way over. My vision got hazy as I held myself to his body. I knew this would happen eventually, but I didn’t think it’d be so soon.
The paramedics came soon followed by the boys and then Anne. It wasn’t until Anne reminded me that he wanted a baby before he died that I remembered the test. Breaking down for the third time in a few hours, she held me while I cried before looking at the results.
"I loved your song you know.. I loved his sturdy arms and how he’d hold me when I cried.. I’ve tried to imagine what life would be like without him, but I can’t.. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you.. He loves you so much.. and he doesn’t want you to worry about him.. He said he’d be okay and that we’ll see him again someday.." I whimpered, pulling away from her.
"I know, (Y/N).. I can tell he loved you too.. He always called me at least once a week and just talked about how amazing you are.. I know that he will be alright with however the test comes out.. Now go look, we have some other things to take care of.."
Standing up, I slowly walked back to the bathroom. My trembling hands reached for the white stick and looked to the box for what the results meant.
Two lines means.. Pregnant.
I smiled to myself and ran my hand across my stomach, forgetting that I’d be raising this child alone for a moment. Reality hit as Anne walked through the door and I began sobbing again.
She comforted me and eventually, I remembered that Louis and the others would definitely want to help out with the baby as well as Anne.
With each coming night, I’m only going to love Harry and this baby more and more. There’s no way I’m breaking my promise.
It’s been such a long, painful night. I’ve been hearing for weeks Harry was cheating on me with his ex, Caroline, but since I trusted him I didn’t believe anything… until last night. He was at the bar with the boys and I called him to say goodnight, and I asked him what he was doing and he slipped out that he just got done with Caroline in the bathroom. I burst into tears and pressed the end button. I can’t believe Harry just admitted he was cheating on me, but I guess drunken words are sober thoughts. As soon as I hung up, I pulled out the bottle of Vodka I had and chugged it down. I was in no position to leave the house tonight so I would wait until tomorrow. I slipped under the comfort of the blankets and cried myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover imaginable. It didn’t help that as soon as I opened my eyes I saw Harry laying there peacefully asleep. I walked around the room and gathered all of my belongings, and went downstairs to get Tylenol and leave all of this behind. As I was turning around to go upstairs and get dressed and leave, Harry comes stumbling down the stairs.
“Oh my god, I feel like someone took a hammer to my head.” He groaned rubbing his head.
“That’s great, Harry. It feels like you shoved a knife through my heart so I guess we’re in the same boat.” I said harshly.
“W-what are you talking about, (Y/N)?!” He exclaimed.
“Oh, you don’t remember? I called you to say goodnight and asked what you were doing and you said you just finished with Caroline in the bathroom. That’s what I’m fucking talking about! How could you possibly do this to me, Harry? Have these past 9 months meant nothing to you? Am I not good enough?!” I screamed, tears falling from my eyes.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry. I’m such an idiot. I was drunk, I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know what I was doing. You have to believe me!” He apologized while walking towards me. I walked back every step closer he got.
“Now that I’m thinking sober, don’t you get no closer. I’m just gonna go to my car and drive. I think you really blew it this time, Harry…” I whispered before going upstairs and gathering my things and going back downstairs, him still standing in the exact spot except staring straight at me with red-rimmed eyes.
“Please don’t leave me, (Y/N). It was a stupid mistake that I never meant to happen. Please, just don’t give up on me. I need you in my life, who else am I supposed to count on.” He whispered.
“I’m not that dumb to stick around, Harry. You blew it. You cheated on me, when I told you from the very beginning that I was not tolerant about. YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU AND ABOUT CHEATING BUT YOU STILL DID IT. I LOVED YOU HARRY; I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD OF ME. I PUT EVERYTHING I HAD INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP TO KEEP IT WORKING AND I GET THIS FROM YOU?! YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH SOME GIRL THAT’S 15 YEARS YOUR SENIOR! I hope you’re happy with her, because she’s all you’ve got now. I’m not going to call this a break, because it’s not. It’s done, we’re done. ” I yell, I had to get all my anger out, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. He deserved it anyways; it was his fault all this was happening. I turned around on my heel and walked to the door, out the door and into my car. I drive to my best friends flat and tell her everything that happened, and she said she’d let me crash there until I was back on my feet.
A month later, it was around midnight, I was just sitting on the couch thinking stuff over and my phone goes off with Harry’s personalized ringtone that he changed it to on our 2 months. I just sit there and let it ring. I can’t let him win this one; I can’t go crawling back to him. Because let’s face it, if he cheats on me once, he’ll cheat on me again. I should’ve realized from the beginning he couldn’t commit to an average girl. He was Harry freaking Styles, heart throb from One Direction who could have any girl he wanted. Just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes, but I pushed them back not wanting to show weakness. I hear something hit the window and I just ignore it thinking a branch or something hit it. I turn back to the TV until I hear the familiar ‘ping’ again. I walk over to the window, and look out it. I see it’s just Harry throwing rocks trying to get my attention, but I just roll my eyes and walk toward the light switch and turn off the light.
I sit back down on the couch and start smiling like a big goof. I have no time to dwell on the past. I need to move on with my life, and not have the burden of his cheating on my shoulders. Yeah, it’s going to be a hard process but I deserve better, way better. There’s no changing my mind. I hope he aches the way I’ve been, when he looks back and realizes there was no better than me. There was no one who could’ve loved him more than I could or ever will. I can tell he’s hurting and wants me back, but I can’t let him win. He did wrong and I can’t do it, I just can’t date a cheater.
He knows he’s made his greatest mistake.
Just one more night. I know I always say it, but this time I mean it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the cheating, the fighting, the tears, the name calling. It’s just to over-bearing to deal with anymore. I love him with all of my heart and more, but this just isn’t healthy. It’s not normal and at the end of the day it just hurts us even more. Yeah, the making up is always nice, but that doesn’t take away all the pain and problems. Every single day it ends with things being broken and doors being slammed until one of us goes to the other and apologizes. It’s become a routine, and it’s not comforting. I don’t want to let him go, but we both deserve better than this. I’ve been sitting on the bed waiting for him to come home from the recording studio to talk to him about it.
Its two hours later before I hear the door shut softly and I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and open the bedroom door. He sets down his messenger bag and takes off his shoes before acknowledging I’m there.
“Hi.” He says before going to the bathroom.
“Hi. We need to talk, Harry.” I whisper.
“What is there to possibly to talk about?” He questions with an attitude. This is exactly what I’m talking about. One of us gets an attitude with the other and it evolves into a fight, just like it’s fixing to. I feel anger erupt through my veins and it gives me even more of a reason to yell until I can’t anymore.
“THIS! ALL OF THIS! ALL WE EVER DO IT FIGHT AND I’M TIRED OF IT! I’M NOT HAPPY ANYMORE AND I KNOW YOU’RE NOT EITHER. WE USED TO BE SO IN LOVE NOW WE CAN’T EVEN GO FIVE SECOND WITHOUT WANTING TO RIP EACH OTHERS HEADS OFF! SO HOW ABOUT WE END THIS BEFORE WE ACTUALLY DO KILL EACH OTHER!” I scream as loud as I possibly can. He stands there for a moment, with his eyes filled with anger and sadness. I can tell he’s not happy with us constantly fighting, and it’s getting us nowhere.
“OH YEAH? THEN GO. NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO STAY; I’D BE PERFECTLY FINE WITHOUT YOU ANYWAYS! YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I WISH I’D NEVER MET YOU! MAYBE MY LIFE WOULDN’T BE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU BITCHING EVERY SINGLE TIME I COME HOME!” He retorts back. I can’t believe he just said that to me, tears fall from my eyes and I just shake my head unable to even respond to that.
“Baby, you know I didn’t mean it. It’s just when you yell, I yell and we both say things we don’t even mean. I know, I’m tired of this fighting to, but we’ll work on it. I want to work on it, I don’t want to lose you.” He whispers while looking down at his feet. I stare at him angrily before getting up and walking over to our picture of us at the beach on our six months and throw it on the ground screaming at the top of my lungs.
“STOP IT! JUST STOP! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WE MEAN EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF OUR MOUTHS. WE HATE EACH OTHER BUT LOVE EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME AND IT’S NOT FAIR. WE CAN’T KEEP THIS UP, ITS NOT HEALTHY. WE DESERVE BETTER THAN EACH OTHER.” I scream, tears flooding my eyes making my vision blurry. He comes running over to me and wraps me in his arms tightly.
“Stop it, (Y/N). Please stop saying this. I’ll stop fighting with you; I’ll stop doing the things that make you hate me. Whatever it is, I’ll stop so we can keep this working!” He whimpered still holding me as close as possible. I try to tell him no but; my body has a desire for him that I can’t control.
“I cross my heart and I hope to die this I’m only staying with you one more night, Harry.” I cry before hugging him back and tilting my head up to kiss him. We fall into the bed, and make love one last time, both of us making it as memorable as possible. I don’t want to leave him, but it’s for the best. I know what I was getting into when I started dating him, and it was great at first and then it started going downhill into this disaster. I lied in bed crying silently with his arms wrapped around my waist, savoring these last moments with the boy who had been my whole world for so long. The tiredness taking over from my tears, I drifted off into a deep sleep.
I woke up the next morning, and checked the time. 10 am. I thought about last night, and instantly regretted it. It’s just making it harder to leave his side.I removed Harry’s arms from my waist and packed my things, and got dressed. I walked over to Harry and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I looked back at him from the bedroom door when I reached it, and contemplated on whether this was a bad decision. I knew it had to be done before we got even more hurt.
“I’ll always love you, Styles. But this is good for us.” I choked out before crying, and quickly heading down the stairs and out the door. Out the door of the house and out the door of the persons heart who I had loved for so long
Iknew it was coming; it just took one more night.