1 AM and he can’t sleep. He complained all day about how tired he was and now he’s laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. His thoughts wander to her. Is she dating someone new? How has she been?
The last time he saw her was almost three months ago. He was just picking up some milk at the supermarket and there she was in the cereal isle. She didn’t see him though and even though she hadn’t put any make up on or done her hair before leaving her house, he thought she looked stunning. He always thought that. Even now.
Rolling over, he sees her side of the bed is empty, as it has been for the past five months. The break up was easy at first, he assumed they’d be back together in no time, but this time was different.
He misses seeing her smile. Nothing made him happier than knowing he made her smile.
"I bet she’s still up right now.." he whispers to himself.
Looking on twitter, he sees he’s right. Not even ten minutes ago she tweeted, “so much fun with my friends, parties at my place are a must!! xx”.
"I’ve gotta see her.." he mumbles while getting out of bed.
He gets dressed and starts to walk to her place. He’s missed her so much, how could he have been so stupid? He never wanted to take a break, he just wanted her.
He walks on the sidewalk and he remembers all the times in the beginning of their relationship when he’d walk her to her house in the wee hours of the night when she had to work the next day.
What will he say? He almost stops when he asks himself that. He’ll know when he sees her face to face though. She knows that he doesn’t usually go back on what he says, so maybe when she hears that he was wrong, it’ll mean something to her.
He can see her front door now. There’s a group of people leaving, and he smiles because that means there’s a better chance for them to be able to talk. And then he sees through her front window and there she is.
She’s dancing in just a big t shirt, her usual sleep attire, with a beer in her hands. Her hair is long and flowing, she’s smiling and it kind of hurts his heart. He misses her so much, he’d do anything to have her back and then he notices someone else.
It’s another guy, and he’s just watching her dance, and then she dances her way over to him and they kiss..
He turns his head to the side, not wanting to see anymore. He doesn’t want to look anymore but something makes him look again.
She was his, and now she’s someone else’s angel.
The front porch light turns off, and he’s standing in the dark. Stumbling backwards a bit, he feels paralyzed. He missed her, but he didn’t know he missed her this much.
The other guy is looking at her the way he used to. Why wouldn’t he? She’s beautiful.
Turning around, he starts to head back to his place, but he sneaks one last glance, and he sees the other guy dim the lights, and he knows where this is headed.
He shouldn’t care anymore though. He’s the one that wanted the break, he doesn’t care about her anymore and the only reason he’s feeling this way is because he’s lonely. At least that’s what he tells himself. What he really feels is pain, regret, and sadness.
He messed up. He lost the girl who loved him so much, and he loved her, but he didn’t know that until now.
He wants her back but she’s someone else’s angel.
Just a warning, there’s a death in this. The italicized parts are flashbacks.
It’s been a year. He’s been in prison for a year. That means it’s been almost two since his world changed. He still beats himself up over what happened. She said it wasn’t his fault, so why does he feel like it is? He thinks he could have stopped him, could have saved her. Punching his fist into the wall, he gives up. There’s nothing he can do. He wants so badly to wake up from this nightmare. He won’t though, it’s real. It’s all too real. Walking over to his bed which was more of a cot, he tried to clear his mind as he laid down. He’ll never clear his mind though. What happened will haunt him forever, and he won’t be able to escape it.
They had been dating for almost three years. They had talked about marriage and kids and their future together. He was going to propose the next week but he didn’t have a chance.
The sound of a gun shot rang out as he looked around, glad to be alive and not hurt, but he wasn’t in the clear yet. He saw the man run away but he figured the police would find him soon enough.
He thinks of the dinner he had planned for that night. They went to a fancy restaurant where the meals were too small and too expensive. That didn’t matter to them though. They laughed and made jokes and smiled the whole night. He told her how much she meant to her that night.
A hand grabbed at his arm, as she gasped for air.
"No, no, no. Don’t joke around, right now, not now."
That’s all he could say, he thought she was okay, this was just a joke. She wasn’t really hurt.
She sounded weak. Her voice was shaky and she was trying her best to stay standing but her knees were wobbling and he vision was hazy.
"NO, no.. This isn’t happening.. " he whispered as she sank into his arms.
Blood was staining her shirt. Kneeling down, the love of his life lays in his arms.
"Harry.. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to die..I’m not ready to go.." she mumbles as tears begin to fall slowly down her face.
"I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry I should have been in front of you, I shoud’ve-"
"No.. Harry.. You didn’t know.. It’s not your fault.. no.."
"It is, it is. You can’t leave me, please don’t. You’re going to be okay, this isn’t your time, you’re not leaving me.."
His voice is cracking and he’s trying his best not to break down. He wants to be strong for her. He doesn’t want her last memory of him to be him crying.
"Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault, it’s not.. You.. you didn’t know.."
Her voice is getting softer and her breathing is slower.
"No, no, no.. Please stay with me.."
"I.. I love you.. Harry.."
Her eyes seem empty. The brightness that would shine through them is gone. Her pulse is gone. Her chest stopped slowly rising up and down. She’s gone.
The sound of sirens are heard and a few people have started a sort of circle around them. He sobs and after a minute or two, he sees something. It shines in the moonlight. A gun. The gun that just changed everything for him.
"I love you so much, you’ll never leave my mind. I love you, I love you."
Quickly, he pulls out the engagement ring he had bought for her, he always carried it around just incase the time felt right. Opening the box, he picks up the ring and slides it onto her cold finger and kisses her forehead.
Gently, he crumbles up his jacket and makes a pillow for her and lays her head on it.
He grabs the gun and runs.
Now he sits behind prison bars, 25 to life, and she’s not in his arms. He couldn’t bring her back with a bullet to the heart of the man who turned his world apart.
The memory is engraved in his mind. It haunts him. It tortures him. He thinks he could have saved her, but it was too late.
He cries again, just like every night. Grasping his flimsy pillow, he cries out to her in the hopes that she’s listening.
"Stay with me, until I fall asleep. Stay with me. I miss you.. I need you back.. This is just a nightmare.. I’ll wake up and it will be tomorrow and we will be together and happy.. I can’t do this.. I need you.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.."
Drifting to sleep, he hears her voice.
"It’s not your fault, Harry. It’s not. Don’t blame yourself.. It hurts me to think you could have changed what happened, it’s not your fault. Please don’t do this to yourself. I love you so much, Harry."
Her face appears in his dreams and he can’t see anything but her saying “Kiss it all better.. I’m not ready to go.. It’s not your fault.”
Mumbling, he says “Stay with me, until I fall asleep.. Stay with me..”
"Is that one?" (Y/N) asked, pointing towards the night sky.
"Yeah, that one is Orion’s Belt, the big and little dippers should be lose by, you just have to look for them."
Both of us had a fascination for the stars. The way they glistened against the dark sky reminded me of (Y/N). My life had been spinning out of control lately, my friends were leaving me, my smoking had been getting worse, I’d been kicked out, and my parents were divorcing; everyone in my life was leaving. No one seemed to want to have me around, except (Y/N). Even though many things in my life were progressively getting worse, (Y/N) was there to bring light in my life. As corny as it sounds, it’s true. She’s the best friend I could have. She never judges me, or thinks of leaving. Forever by my side, she’s my anchor of hope.
"What else is there to see tonight?"
"Well, we can see Mercury from here, we just have to find it."
"First one to find it wins!"
"You’re on! But you’re not gonna find it, (Y/N)! I was out here yesterday!"
"Hey! That’s not fair! I get ten seconds head start. Don’t you dare look at the sky before those ten seconds are up!"
I wouldn’t. She walked around the field, as if it would help her see more of the sky. Her hair was down and slowly blowing in the light wind. She always looked great, no matter what she wore, no matter how her hair and make up looked, she was always the same to me. She was, (Y/N), the girl I’d grown up with, the girl I’d known since forever, but right now, she looked beautiful. A faint smile was on her lips, and every now and then she’d look to me to see if I was looking at the sky. I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s stunning. Why am I only just now noticing this? She’s been here this whole time, and nothing has changed. She doesn’t look different from any other time I’ve seen her. Her hair is still the same color, she still crinkles her nose when she doesn’t like something. She hasn’t stopped humming her favorite songs. The color of her eyes is still as it was.THe past few weeks I had been thinking the same thing I am now, she’s been on my mind everyday, every hour, why is everything so different?
"Okay Zayn. Where is it?"
Grabbing her hand, I felt it. I can feel the slight spark. Maybe it’s just static electricity and we shocked each other, but I know there is something different. I’m not seeing her as the girl I thought of as “just one of the guys”, but as someone I could spend my whole life with..
"R-Right there.." I whispered, as I pointed in the direction of Mercury.
Her laughter quieted down as she looked up at the distant planet.
"Pretty neat, huh? We are seeing something that is millions and billions of miles away.."
My voice was soft, I’m not even looking at the sky. Just at her. I want to take it all in, I don’t want to forget this moment. In this moment, I know that I’ve always loved (Y/N). Maybe not romantically, but She’s always been in my thoughts and I’ve loved her as a friend but right now, this is different. I think I’m in love with her.
"(Y/N), if i say something, will you promise not to laugh or push me away?"
"Why in the world would I do that. You’re my best friend, Zayn. You can tell me anything! Except you can’t tell me you like Taco Bell, that place stinks. Anything else though, feel free to share." (Y/N) smiled a breath taking smile, it was contagious.
"I think I’m.. I think I might be.."
"Oh hang on, someone is calling me! Just wait two seconds it’ll be quick!"
Her phone started ringing and before I could choke out the words she already answered.
"Yeah, okay. Yes, Mom I know! Okay.. Bye."
Hanging up and putting her phone in her pocket, I sighed.
"Mom says I have to be home ten minutes ago. I’m sorry, can you drive me?"
"Yeah, lemme just grab our stuff."
We packed up our usual star gazing bag, and walked back to my car. Maybe, I’ll tell her later. I will not just sit around and watch her go about her life without knowing what I feel.
The car ride to her house was quiet, she plugged in her phone and played some music. Usually the trip to her house from the field took about half an hour, I could tell her now or when we got closer to her house.
"I’m sorry, Zayn, I just remembered, what did you wanna say?"
"Don’t worry about it.. I’ll tell you in a bit. It’s not that long."
"Alright.. Wake me up when we’re closer, I’m sleepy.." she said with a yawn, dragging out her words.
What would I tell her? How would I tell her? What if she doesn’t feel the same and I just look like a fool? No, I can’t spend my life wondering, ‘what if’.
Driving home was hard, she looked so nice just sleeping. She’d mumble a few words every now and then, and she looked so peaceful. I’ve got to tell her now. We’re almost to her house, I can’t wait any longer.
"(Y/N), wake up. I gotta talk to you. It’s kinda important. Please wake up.."
"Zayn, when someone is sleeping you let them sleep."
Her voice was soft, and I could tell she was tired. And she still woke up, for me.
"Now, what is it you must get off your chest! This better be important! I absolutely need my beauty sleep," she said with a chuckle, as she opened her eyes.
"It’s kind of serious, actually.. I’m scared of how you’ll respond.."
"Oh, alright. I promise I will hear you, not just listen but really hear you. What is it? Are you okay?"
"I’m.. I’m fine. I swear. Nothing is wrong with me. I have ten fingers, ten toes, two hands, same goes for feet, it’s just.. something is different lately. Really different. Something that I’ve known for my whole life, is.. different."
"Is this about you family? The boys? Don’t hold back, I’m here."
"No, it’s not them.. It’s.. It’s you. And don’t think this is bad because it’s not, I think you’re wonderful. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known, and you have the greatest sense of humor and you always make me laugh and you can always cheer me up and make me smile, and you can also make me hold my breath because you look amazing. You walk into a room and I know it’s cliche, but you really do light it up. Everyone just gets in a better mood because you’re there, you make my life better, you make the world a better place and I want to be a beter person for you and I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful without even trying. I can’t imagine my life without you there, you’re in all my big moments, you were there when I learned to walk and started chasing me when you could walk too, you were there when I said my first words and always said hi to me because that’s all you could say, you were there the first day of school in kindergarten and the last day of school, senior year. I always want you in my life, forever. You’re the best person I know and I think that’s why I’m in love with you. I don’t know why I just now realized it, but I am. I’m in love with you. I love the way you snort sometimes when you laugh really hard. I love the way you walk, it’s almost like you’re floating on air. I love the way you spend full days just reading and soaking up characters in books. I love the way you care so much about people you’ve known for years or you’ve just met. I love how you don’t judge anyone. I love you. I love you. I’ve never wanted to tell someone I love them so much, but I want you to know I love you. I dont just want to tell you I want to show you."
By now we’d pulled up to her house. She was giving me her undivided attention.
"I want to do everything with you, I want to star gaze like we always do, I want to watch you sleep because you look beautiful even then and you talk in your sleep, I want to hold your hand so everyone knows you are mine, I want you to be mine, I want to be with you. I want you to want me too, and I want you to know that I love you, I want you to love me even a fraction of the way I love you.."
"Zayn.. you’re shaking.. Please, just breathe for a minute.."
"No, I might die if I don’t know what you think."
"Well, I think you might die if you don’t breathe."
"How do you do that?"
"You just make me so calm and like time is slowing down."
"I.. I don’t know."
(Y/N) looked nervous. She was never nervous.
"Zayn, I don’t know what to say.. I just.. I think I need to process. I don’t know how I feel. I might feel the way you do but I don’t know.. I need to think. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that’s fine, I just.. I had to tell you or I’d explode.. I’m sorry if this is too much to handle, I just.. had to."
"It’s okay, thank you by the way. For loving me. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."
She opened her door and stood up. Not knowing is going to kill me.
"Bye, Zayn. I’ll call you soon, I promise."
"Alright, bye (Y/N), tell you’re mom I say hi. I.. I love you."
She smiled and shut the door, walked up to her front door and into her house. God, not knowing will kill me.
I’ve called her twice today. She hasn’t answered either time. MAybe she’s just busy. That’s all. Busy. She would just ignore me. We’re best friends. She wouldn’t..
I haven’t felt different about her. I still love her. I know I do. Just from hearing her voicemail message, I felt better. Maybe she’ll feel the same and she just wants to see me in person. I thought by now she would’ve known if she feels the same.
If she doesn’t, I might die. She’s all I know. My parents don’t care anymore, my friends have left me. The only thing I have is her and cigarettes.
I’d choose her over smoking any day.
*Two weeks later*
Called her twice today. Feelings haven’t changed. I thought by now, after not hearing from her or seeing her in a while I would’ve fallen out of love with her. My anchor of hope, it’s just.. gone. She’s just a memory. There is no way she feels the same.. Not after all this time.
Called her twice to day. She finally answered.
I’d almost forgotten what her voice sounded like.
"I don’t actually know why I’m still calling you everyday. I’m sorry for bothering you."
"No, I’m sorry.. I.. I should’ve called. I’m a horrible friend. I just.."
"I can’t.. I don’t.. You’re my best friend, and I love you.. and I still love you but you’ll never be the one for me.."
Her voice was shaky. I know this is hard for her, but it’s just as hard, if not harder for me. It’s not easy to hear the love of your life say they don’t love you.
"Oh. Okay. Well, it was, shit well it wasn’t nice to hear that, but it was nice to hear your voice even if the words weren’t pleasant. Shit, I’ll.. I’m just gonna go. I guess that’s it."
"No, Zayn, please don’t go, you’re still my best friend! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please don’t do this to me.."
She’s crying. I know she is. I can hear her sniffling between gasps for air.
"I’m such a fool. To think, me, the only one for you. I should’ve known.. I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll call when I’m okay."
"Zayn, please, please talk to me! I ju-"
I hung up before she could finish. Nothing she says could make me feel better, I know how she feels about me and as much as it kills me, I have to accept that.
*A year later*
My life has improved so much. I’ve got a beautiful girlfriend, today is our six month anniversary and everything has been great with her.
I’ve got to get her a present so I’m going to the store. I just can’t figure out what to get her though..
Maybe I shoul-
"Zayn? Is that you?"
"What are you doing here?"
I can’t breathe. I haven’t seen her since..
"Zayn? Are you okay? It’s me, (Y/N).."
"Like I could’ve forgotten.. Um, hi. How are you?"
"I’m okay.. How are you?"
"I’m.. I’m fine."
"You know, I called you.. Multiple times.. Why didn’t you answer, Zayn?"
"You know why. I gotta go."
"Stop it! Why do you do that, Zayn! Stop running away from me! Talk to me!"
"I can’t (Y/N). It’s been a year since what happened, and you know what? I’m still in love with you. I’ll always be in love with you, (Y/N)! I’m here to buy a present for my girlfriend, it’s our six month anniversary, I have to go."
"Please, just delete my number, I’ll delete yours too if you want, just I’m trying to move on."
"Zayn, I’m sorry.. I’ve not stopped thinking about you since then. I just want you back in my life, please can’t we just be friends again?"
That does sound tempting. I miss her. I love her.
"N-No.. I can’t. I can’t be just friends. Maybe when I’m okay again, but I don’t know.. I’ll call you when I’m okay."
"Bullshit. You said that last time we talked. Bullshit."
"Yeah, well I’m still not okay."
I left. I couldn’t stay there. She looked great. Beautiful, stunning, breath taking, gorgeous. I do miss her. A lot.
I broke up with my girlfriend. I can’t be in a relationship when the only girl I love is (Y/N).
Called her twice today.
"Since you’re calling me, does that mean you’re okay?"
"No. But you’re all I know.. You’re my anchor of hope..”
Since it’s summer now, I think I will start writing one shots again. More time on my hands and what not, and that’s why I was on such a long hiatus, because school was crazy! But now that I’m done for two months, I’ll try to write more (:
Rain is pouring down. Even though he’s soaking wet, he keeps walking. He doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow down or speed up, just keeps walking. The people running from cabs to inside look at him like he’s crazy. And maybe he is. Maybe he is crazy. It’s not his fault though. He blames her.
After a while, he finds himself at her door. It’s been a few hours since he started walking, maybe two and a half. Liam has called him a few times but he hasn’t answered. He wonders if she’s home. She has to be, where else would she be?
The hard wood door flies open just as his knuckle is about to collide with it. She gasps, surprised to find him at her door.
Their right before each other and can’t find the words to say.
"Why don’t you come in.." she whispers after a minute or so of silence other than the rain.
"I was just going to see you.." her voice coos as she takes off her coat, "I’ll get you a towel.. Maybe there’s some clothes of yours you could change into.."
He hasn’t said a word. Just standing in her doorway, his emotions tying up his tongue.
"Are you cold? Do you want a blanket or something?"
"I’m sorry." he whimpers.
"Niall.. I can’t… I don’t.. Why do we keep doing this?"
"You know it’s not something I can control.."
"I know, but I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay.. We both know it’s not.." she sighs, sitting down.
"Can we just work this out? Please.. I’m begging you.." his voice catches in his throat, barely audible now.
She always agrees to work things out. He always walks to her door. They always talk it out. They always end up here. It’s always the same thing, every time.
"What makes this time different, Niall? What’s going to change this time?"
He doesn’t know what to say, yet again.
"T-That’s.. that’s what I thought.. We always end up here, in my apartment not knowing what to do.. I don’t want this.."
He’s no longer picking his head up to meet her eyes when he speaks anymore.
"I.. I know you are.. But that doesn’t change anything.. I’m sick of this Niall.. I can’t do this anymore.."
That hurts him. He knows she’s not going to give in this time. This time, it’s for real.
"What can I do to change your mind? Please (Y/N).. Let me prove you wrong.."
"Don’t you get it?! You can’t change my mind! You can’t prove me wrong!" her voice is getting louder and louder.
"Everytime we fight you say the exact same thing! And you’re not fighting for me! You say you’ll prove me wrong but nothing changes! It’s still the same bull as before! I’ve been waiting for you to prove to me that you’re just as serious about this as I am but I guess you’re not! Did you ever love me? Why do you just push me away? Why are you so cruel to me?! Why do I keep letting you break my heart.."
Her voice falters at the last sentence as she stands up only to fall to the ground in a pile of emotions.
He leaves his spot and tries to help her back up but she only jerks her arms away from him.
"NO. You don’t have to help me! I can get up by myself."
"Please.. just give me one more chance.. I know I’ve been a crap boyfriend but I can change.. I will change..”
And this time, he means it. He admits to himself, he didn’t mean his apologies before, but this time he’s sincere. Who would want to lose someone like her? He knows how lucky he is to have her. She’s amazing.
She finds happiness in the worst things. She paints a colorful life in a dull world. She’s beauty in a society filled with ugly people. She makes him laugh when no one else can.
He can make her smile just by looking at her. He makes her once serious life, carefree. They just blend together so well, and he knows it.
"No you won’t! Don’t you get it?! I’ve asked you time and time again to prove to me that you’re not like all the other guys.. But you are.. And I was so convinced you were going to be the one.."
She’s full on crying now. Mascara running down her cheeks, and it pains him to see her like this, to know he caused this.
"I’m convinced you’re the one.. Please.. It’s been you all along.."
"No. I’m asking you this, why do you break my heart in the blink of an eye.."
"I don’t mean to.. it just.."
"It just what Niall? It just happens? Cheating doesn’t just happen. This is the last time I’m asking you this, the last time I’m asking you why..”
"I.. I don’t know.. "
This is the last time she’ll let him in her door. This is the last time they’ll fight. The last time their a couple. The last time he’ll hurt her.
"Just leave.." she cries, not bothering to show him to the door.
"Niall. I said leave."
Slowly, but surely, he makes his way outside. He doesn’t really leave, just slumps down, his back leaning against her door.
The rain is coming down harder now. His clothes get wet all over again, just as they were beginning to dry.
This is the last time she’ll call things off with him.
This is the first time he knows true heartbreak.
It’s been three months. Personally, I don’t think I’m ready to start dating again. Harry was everything I’d ever wanted. Charming, smart, tall, handsome, funny.. The whole package. He’d never shown any signs of wanting to break up.. I thought everything was going fine but I guess not.
Looking into the mirror, I take a deep breath and walk towards my closet to find my shoes.
"Flats, or heels..?" I quietly ask myself, "Hmm.. I think I’ll wear heels.."
It’s been months since I’ve worn heels. Harry never liked me wearing them because he didn’t want anyone else but him to realize how great my legs are. Adding the final touches to my outfit, I grab my purse and walk out of my cold apartment.
Quickly putting in my headphones, soft music plays as I walk towards the cafe down the street. He’s always hated this one.
"The lyrics are completely pointless!"
"Harry, you’ve only heard two seconds of it, give it a chance. I like it.."
I’d whisper whenever I’d play it in the car. Of course he never listened though. Instead he just brushed it off and ignored me. It’s nice to be able to listen to it without his nagging..
Walking outside is nice. It’s cold yes, but the light snow that is falling is absolutely beautiful. The first snowfall of the season.. Me and Harry had always loved playing outside in the snow..
Why can’t I let him go? I’m going on a date for goodness sake! It shouldn’t be this hard..
Pulling the door open, I didn’t expect for my date to be here yet. I got here about ten minutes early anyways. I’ve never met him before, my friend set us up and all she said about him was that he’s blonde.
I’ve never really been attracted to blondes but hey, there’s a first for everything I guess..
Walking towards an open corner table, I keep my head down not wanting to draw attention to myself.
"Excuse me, are you by any chance (Y/N)?" a quiet irish accent whispers, pulling myself from my thoughts.
"Um, yes, are you Niall?" I reply softly.
"Yeah, Trisha has told me a lot about you.. Where do you want to sit?" He smiles, helping me get my coat off.
"Is the corner table alright?"
"Of course, here let me get your chair."
Niall pulls out my chair and tucks it back in when I’m situated. Harry never did that for me.. ever. Smiling to myself, I make a mental note of what a gentleman he is..
"So, how do you know Trisha?" he asks while sitting down across from me.
"We went to high school together and when I moved over here we got back in touch, and how do you know her?" I ask while looking over the menu that was already at the table.
"Her brother and my brother, Greg, are friends and we met at a party that we both got dragged along to."
He smiles and for a second I think there is something on my face but he just blushes when I catch him staring and looks away. The small talk continues and soon we get on the topic of music.
"I play guitar and sing."
"Oh do you now.. Is that supposed to impress me?" I giggle and smirk as he throws his head back laughing.
His laugh is practically contagious because after a couple seconds, I’m laughing uncontrollably as well. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve laughed so hard.. With Harry he was so serious towards the end of our relationship.. He’d only joke around when he was drunk and it was only a few times..
"You know, Trisha said you weren’t funny and I was expecting some stick in the mud, but she was wrong." He blushes, and looks away form me and out the window.
"She said that?! She knows damn well I’m freaking hilarious! I should have my own show!" I joke and he laughs again and his smile..
Wow.. his smile.. His whole face lights up and once again his head goes back laughing.. It’s like he’s a little kid. It’s not a fake laugh either, you can tell..Harry wouldn’t have laughed at that. I think it’s kinda strange Niall finds me funny cause he never did..
I didn’t think this would be such a great date.. He’s nice, he’s funny, he’s definitely attractive, he’s great..
"Are you having a good time? You seem kinda quiet every now and then.."
"Yeah.. I’m fine.. It’s just I dunno.. You’re so different from the guys I usually date.." I whisper, brushing my hair behind my ear.
I want so badly to say how I’ve been hurt before but I don’t. Why should I? He is different. He’s not like Harry. Nothing like him at all. why have I thought that love is stupid? It’s not.. Harry is. Love doesn’t just happen in fairy tales. Why have I spent so long just wishing life would get better? Here with Niall, this is better. I’ve been spending the last three months thinking all love ever does is break, and burn, and end.. But today, Wednesday, in this little cafe.. I can feel it begin again..
"I-Is different.. good?"
"Yeah. Different is good." I blush, "Different is really good.."
For the first time, what’s past is past. This time around it will be different, I’m different now.. He’s different..
On a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.
Am I better off dead or am I better off a quitter? Lou says I’ll find someone better. Liam only sighs while Zayn and Niall stay silent. Why did I think this was a good idea? (Y/N) is perfect. The way she smiles, how she kisses me, the way she truly cares about everyone. Well, I suppose she doesn’t care about me anymore. She made that pretty clear when I broke things off.
"I never want to see you again. Leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t text me, don’t call, don’t even glance my way if we see each other around town. I thought you were different, thought we were different, but I guess we’re just like everyone else. Fall in love and then fall in hate. I’m just done.."
She screamed at me. She never screamed at anyone, ever. I’d never seen her as mad as she was then.
"Harry, really this is for the best. You’re better off now than you ever were with her. Let’s go to the bar and get some drinks to get over it." Louis smiled, grabbing his coat.
"Yeah! That’s a great idea, maybe you’ll find some other girl!" Zayn chimes in, finally contributing to the conversation.
Smiling, I stand and grab my coat as well, trying not to look too down.
During the short walk there, Niall starts talking saying that he never really liked (Y/N) anyways which is a complete lie. He adored her. They were best friends, and I’m sure they still will be, just not around me..
"Annooother one pleasse!" My voice slurs to the bartender.
"Don’t you think that’s pushing it, Haz?" Liam whimpers, as he glances my way.
"Your buddy’s right, man. You’ve had enough. Go home." the man shouts and turns to Louis, "Get him outta here. I need the bar open for other customers."
"This was supposed to help him, not make it worse.." Zayn scoffs to Niall, thinking I can’t hear him.
Stumbling out the doorway, I begin shouting.
"Niiaalll, you had juuust as much as mee. And you’re fine, soo I-I’m finee. Now let’s goo to anotherr bar."
"No way, man. You definitely had more than me, you’re smashed. Let’s just go." he replies, as I fling my arm over Liam’s shoulders.
Dragging my feet, my voice screams out.
"(Y/N)!!!!! (Y/N)!!! Wheree areeee youuuu?!"
"Haz, be quiet! You’re going to wake up all of London if you keep that up!" Liam whines, trying to support my body.
"Liam is right, Harry. Just get over it already." Louis hisses, grabbing my other arm to lighten Liam’s load.
"Stooopp it Louu. I-I know you hated her.. D-Donnn’t pretend you liked her.. This issss probablyy great for youu.. All of youu aree probably glad this happenedd. Donnn’t follow meee. I’m go-gonna go talk to herr." I shout, clumsily jogging around the corner, leaving the four confused boys there.
When I’m convinced they’re long gone, I start thinking.
I know I messed up. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had. That’s what we do though. We fight, but one of us swallows our pride and apologizes and I suppose it’s my turn to take the blame. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had though, we’ve never said we hate each other before or that we’re broken up.. I’m still shouting out her name even though some people yell at me to shut up. If I just make it to her place, I can change her mind. This will all just be a big laugh in the morning, I can turn this all around. I know I can.
Tripping over the rails and fences, I start recognizing the streets and apartment buildings. I know if we see each other she’ll take me back. She’l have to. If we’re face to face, she’ll come to her senses, she will see how bad I’m hurting and take me back. Yeah I’m drunk, but she’s never cared about that before what would make this any different? (Y/N) will listen even though my words are slurred cause it’s all true.
When I finally find her place, I knock on the door and hope she answers.
Checking my pockets for my phone, I dial her number.
"Hello?" she answers after the fourth ring.
"What do you want Harry. I told you not to call me.." she sighs and I can hear her face turn to a frown.
"I-I justt waant too tallllk."
"Wellll, let me.. let me start with.. Umm.. Youu.. You know what sucks? Basicallyyyyy, when I get home.. there’s no one waiting for mee. The first day you werre gonee I callled out for you but you weren’t.. you weren’t there.. I’m sorry.. Sorry for everything.. I want to takeee it allll back.. I’mm sorrry.. I’m still in love." I confess though the phone, staring up at her window. "Areee you theree?"
I wait for her to answer, but all I heard was nothing. She said nothing. I wanted words but all I heard was nothing, I got nothing.
Am I better off dead, or am I better off a quitter?
**Authors Note: the song is Harry’s point of view. the story is (Y/N) point of view**
Running my hand through my hair I realize what I want. Harry and I have been dating for about six months. Fans don’t know about it because I don’t want them to know. I’m not afraid of hate, or paparazzi, I just am afraid of falling in love. I’ve seen love die way to many times when it deserved to be alive. I promised myself I would never dream in love if it does not exist.
Harry doesn’t know about the way I feel about relationships. I’ve only been in less than five other relationships but they were never like the one that I have right now. I have always been an open book, but I never talked about things like this. I knew I was getting deeper into the relationship and truly falling for him and I knew that he loved me. But I was too afraid to show it.
My phone buzzed and the screen lit up. I took it from my bedside table and looked at it. “Harry : hey babe meet me at the park in an hour?” Guess I do have something to do today.
Walking up the side of the hill leading to the park, I saw his curly hair looking down at his phone screen. I walked up behind silently to make sure he didn’t hear me. Without a second thought I screamed his name at the top of my lungs and he jumped up and looked like he just had a mini heart attack. I started laughing uncontrollably when he saw me and he just pulled me in and gave me a weak kiss on the lips. I had never gotten a kiss like that. Something was wrong.
Worried I asked him what was wrong. He simply replied “Nothing, come sit down on the bench with me.”
I sat down on the bench and so did he as he looked down on the ground. In a low voice he simply said, “Am I a bad boyfriend?” Looking up, he stared directly at me. He was serious
It took me a second to reply. He has never asked something like this before. “Of course you are, why would you ask something like that?” I tried to be as sincere as possible but I already knew.
“(y/n), I feel like I have devoted myself to you but you seem to not be as devoted and I just assumed it was my fault. I don’t want you to lie to me because I know when you are lying and I think that you just said that to make me feel better.” He turned his head back to the ground. “I think we need to break up.”
I knew it was too good to be true.
As Harry lifted his head back up to see me, I could only simply nod my head. I did not have tears, but only more proof that true love doesn’t exist. I knew I had to say something and the only thing I could think of was, “If that is what you really want.”
Harry got up and said goodbye as I watched him walk off into the distance. Now that he is gone I finally realize that I loved him. Harry was my first true love and that I cannot picture myself with anyone else. It was too late now. He was gone and I realized that up until I had sworn to myself that I am content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I miss home. Badly. Being on tour with the boys—the best friends I could ever ask for—is fun, but I miss home. I wanna go home. See my family, my friends, my girl. [Y/N]’s sad face haunts me these days whenever I close my eyes. She’s all I see. In everything I do, I see her. The lyrics, the songs, the fans, the cities. I had a peppermint yesterday and it reminded me of [Y/N]. I don’t even know why, but it did.
I miss my sister, my mother. I miss everything. Everything. The way the trees look, the way the streets curve. Everything about Cheshire, I miss. Even the rainy days, I miss them. I never thought I would, but I do. It’s like having everything handed to you, but still wanting more. It’s not the big things I want, or the fancy things. The invites to red carpets or the girls calling my name. It’s none of that.
I want home.
- - -
I woke up this morning with an ache. I rolled over in the tour bus bunk, but it didn’t go away. It stayed. And I knew what it was too. I was missing home too much. I understood that this was part of my job, but it didn’t make the pain go away. Rolling over, I faced the curtain they gave a little privacy to the small bunk and hugged my pillow, willing the pain to go away.
So far, I’ve been able to come off as the Cheeky Chap from Cheshire every knows. To put on a façade. But I’m slowly dying inside. I don’t know how long I can last. Sometime soon, I know Louis will catch on. He’s my best friend; he knows me like the back of his hand. It’s only a matter of time before he notices that something’s not right. Just a matter of time before I crack.
- - -
I tried to write [Y/N] a letter today, but I couldn’t. Everything I seemed to write seemed stale. Dried up. Cold and flail. It was sunny today, but I’m starting to get sick of that, too. We’re so close to the end of the American leg of the tour, but all I can think about is home. I’ve almost messed up several solos because of it. The lads blamed it on nerves, but I knew better. Home is all I ever think about. It’s invaded my thoughts, even my subconscious. I dreamt I was back in Grade 3. My mother’s laugh. I dreamt about when I bumped into [Y/N] randomly on the streets one night after a late night walk without the paparazzi…
Those simple things seem so far away.
- - -
I woke up reenergized. It’s the last stretch of the tour, seven more stops. Then we’re done. Yeah, it’ll be bittersweet. But I don’t see it as seven more days until tour ends. I see it as seven more days until home.
I guess you don’t realize at first how bad it’s going to be. Yes, I’ve gone on tours away from home before. Yes, I’ve always though that each one would be different. Everytime the same thing happens. I don’t think it’ll be that bad; everyone calls and writes, skypes, texts. Then I get caught up in the excitement of tour. Then, the sadness hits. And it never really goes away.
- - -
Last night was the last night of the tour. After I realized it wouldn’t be long until I saw everything I loved again, I was like a different person. I became the Cheeky Chap again, the real one. My smiled reached my eyes in all the pictures. I was finally, truly happy.
And as I stepped off the plane in Heathrow today, and saw everyone I love waiting for me, I knew I was finally where I belonged.
And of course my wifi isn’t working.